Another Year Has Gone By...

2011 Stats

~Name: Lasagne
~Height: Still a hair taller than all my siblings...although this is the last time I'm going to be able to say that.
~Weight: 35 pounds less than last New Years
~Moves: 1
~Jobs Started: 4
~Jobs Quit: 3
~Car Accidents: 2...3 if you count running over the already dead deer.  But I wasn't driving for any of them!
~Vehicles Bought: 3
~Weddings Attended: 2...0 if you're counting as a guest lol.
~Funerals Attended: 2
~Photo Shoots: A Grand Total of 39!  Not too shabby :)
~Boyfriends: 0
~First Dates: 3
~Dates Total: Somewhere around 12-15 or so
~Kisses: 0
~Hugs: Tons! Yay :)
~Roommates: 2 temporary, 1 permanent
~New Friendships Acquired: More than I can count!
~Favourite Game: Quelf!  (Ok so it's not really a stat, but I don't care lol)
~YSA Conferences Attended: 2
~YSA Conferences Planned: 1
~Work Conferences Attended: 1
~Out Of Province Trips: 1
~2011 New Years Resolutions Completed: 2.5 out of 3!

Any other stats you want to know about...you can ask, but I don't guarantee an answer lol.

This has been an incredible year for me...one that I am sure I will never forget.  Lots of ups, downs, and in-betweens.  A huge number of lessons learned...but more still to come I'm sure.  I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life who help me through the hard times, laugh with me in the good times, and are always there when I need them. 

Some of the most important lessons I have learned are:
  1.  The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways...and he knows what we need!  There are so many things this year that I can point to and see the Lord's hand in my life at that time.  What an incredible blessing that is!
  2.  No matter how close to the end of your rope you think you are if needed there's always another piece that can be tied on...and somehow it becomes stronger through it.  Last year if you had told me some of the things I would be dealing with this year I'd have laughed.  And probably made a comment about how it couldn't be done.  But I would have been wrong...because I made it through!
  3.  As independant of a person as I am I have truly come to understand the importance of learning to lean on others sometimes.  This is a hard lesson, and one that I'm sure I will need to re-learn many times in my life...but it's one that I have come to understand this year.  Sometimes it just can't be done alone.
  4.  Life is always ready with a new twist when you least expect it, but that's the beauty of it!  It is never boring, and it forces constant growth. 

I have no idea what the year ahead will bring to me...but I know that whatever comes, with the help and strength of the Lord and those around me, I am ready to face it.  I think my scripture for the year ahead will be this...
          "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. 
                   In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."
                           ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I wish all the best to each of you for the year to come.  Make it a good one, and make lots of memories along the way!

Z

In an instant…

As many of you know this year vehicles have been the bane of my existence.  After being a passenger in 2 accidents, having 3 vehicles break down, and buying 3 new ones I have been drifting in my appreciation of the invention of the motor car.  Recently though I have realized how truly fortunate I’ve been in the fact that none of these experiences have ended up worse than they did.

  1 month ago today a choice was made by a driver.  I know no details about this driver at all…not age, name, gender…nothing.  Perhaps it was a young mother consumed in thoughts of what needed to be accomplished that day after dropping her children off at school.  Maybe it was a working man who left the house just a couple of minutes late that morning, and was concerned about losing the job that he and his family counted on if he was a couple of minutes late.  It could have been someone heading off to a job interview, nervous about how it was going to go, and wanting desperately to make a good impression.  Or possibly it was someone heading home tired after working a graveyard shift the night before.  Really it could have been anyone in any situation.  The fact is that someone made a choice…a simple lapse of judgement…a desire to get somewhere 2 minutes faster, a distraction that kept them from seeing the truck until it was too late to brake…whatever it was that caused them to swerve around that truck ended up being a life changing moment for them; costing a young man my age his life, and changing the lives of many people that I care about.

  Over this last month I have had so many thoughts in so many different directions directly related to this.  I want to share them with you, and I’m going to try to do it in a way that keeps it from being too jumbled, but forgive me if I don’t succeed!

  First, it is so important to make the most of every moment!  We really don’t ever know what will happen tomorrow…or even later today…so what’s the point in pushing things off until later?  If there’s something important that you want to do: Do it!  If there’s something that you want to say: Say it!  Don’t spend your time rationalizing why you shouldn’t do it now…just take initiative, and get it done.  Life is full of surprises, and twists and turns…and it’s not worth it to have to deal with regrets and ‘what if’s’.  To quote a movie that I love “ … ‘what’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be.  But, put them together side by side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life… (Letters to Juliet)”  Don’t risk that being the case for you.  Live your dreams, stick to your beliefs, and most importantly make sure that the people that you love know that you do.

  Second, drive carefully!  That 2 extra minutes isn’t going to make that much of a difference.  Pay attention to the traffic and pedestrians around you.  Not only will slowing down and paying attention create safer roads for everyone, but you’ll be able to enjoy the beauty around you more.  Especially this time of year when the roads get slippery, and the weather more unpredictable, make sure that you are prepared.  Nothing is so important as being able to wake up tomorrow knowing that you are safe and guilt-free.

  Third, take comfort in knowing that the Lord has a plan.  Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair.  Sometimes, especially with those who are taken young, “Why?” seems an appropriate question to ask.  Not only is there mourning for a life lost, but there is almost always mourning for a life not yet fully lived.  It’s hard to accept that it’s happened, and harder to trust that there was a reason.  But the Lord knows each of us.  He understands our pain and heartache, no matter where it comes from, because He’s felt it too.  This young man’s mission in life was over…he had accomplished what he needed to, and so he was called home…and (hopefully many many years from now) he’ll have the privilege of being able to welcome each of his loved ones as they join him.  That’s the beauty of the Plan of Happiness.  To quote another favourite movie “…the Lord promised that we can be together as a family forever, even after we die…dying’s just still part of the deal.(Charly)”  It’s normal and natural for those left behind to mourn, and feel the sadness in the loss of one they love…but it’s also important to remember that it’s not the end of a journey, rather the beginning of a new branch of it!

  Last, but not least, is the importance of careful consideration of the choices that we make in life.  Every moment of each day there are decisions to make…some less important, some more…but each will have a consequence good or bad, and some will affect more than just ourselves.  There’s a quote from a book I’m reading right now that sums up my thoughts on this pretty well…

“Life comes down to a series of choices and decisions.  We find ourselves constantly at a crossroads.

There are a thousand possible paths.  You must decide which path is best for you.  It is not a decision that you must make today.  Take the time necessary to become familiar with your legitimate needs, deepest desires, and talents.  Start to make the small decisions of your day-to-day life in alignment with your essential purpose.  By honouring the meaning and purpose of your life in the small things, you will discover that the larger questions looming in your life become clearer and clearer.”

~ The Rhythm of Life, Matthew Kelly

…Well, that just about covers it all.  It’s been a month of many thoughts, and I hope you’ll find something in here worthwhile.  I don’t want you to feel that I think I’m perfect at all of this…because I’m far from it!  This blog has been just as much for reflection for myself as it has been to share it with you. 

Tell someone today that you love them!

Z

 

Today I Am Grateful For...

I have so very much to be grateful for at this time!  Never in a million years could I have imagined how my life would change over this last year, and I am grateful for every experience that I have had that's helped me to grow to the point that I am at now...and the people who have loved and supported me along my way.  Today I would like to share just a few of those things that I am most grateful for.  I will not be mentioning names, but chances are that if you're reading this you were a part of this for me in some way...and for that Thank You!

Today I am Grateful for my family...immediate, extended, and 'adopted'.  There are so many incredible people in my life...and for that I am truly blessed.  Whether you are a relation through blood, law, or choice I am soooooooooooo grateful for every one of you.  You make me want to be the best me that I can be.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am...including my many faults.  Thank you for taking me in, and making me feel important.  Thank you for your support.  And Thank You for loving me!

Today I am Grateful for my education...both formal, and life-taught.  Believe it or not my plan growing up was never to finish University...I was always going to meet a wonderful guy within my first couple of years, get married, and drop out of school to start a family.  I am so very thankful that someone had a better plan for me. Not only was I able to finish, but I am now planning to continue on 1 or 2 independent study courses at a time to get my BA in Psychology...not right away, but within the next couple of years.  No matter how far I continue my formal education though nothing will ever teach me more than what I have the privilege of doing every day of my life...and that is just living, and growing through my environments around me.  I have learned many things that nobody could teach me in any classroom...and although I've made many mistakes along the way I am truly grateful for every lesson I have had the opportunity to learn.  Thank you to all of my 'teachers' for your patience and support in this journey of life.

Today I am Grateful for my friends.  You are all wonderful!  Thank you for making me laugh, and listening to me, and helping me learn what's important in life.  Thank you for your love and your acceptance.  Thank you for not judging me based on appearance, or what others say.  Thank you for being who you are!

Today I am Grateful for my life...and I am grateful for every opportunity that I have been given in this last year to examine my life and re-plot my course.  There has been lots of heartache and pain along the way, but I know that I am a better and stronger me because of it!

Today I am also extremely Grateful for the testimony that I have of the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have had many incredible experiences throughout my life, and most particularly this past year, that have led me to know without a doubt that Christ lives, and He loves each of us...and although He will never take away our agency He only wants the best for every one of us, and as long as we are willing to listen and follow with faith He will guide us along our path to live with Him again!

Today I am overcome with Gratitude for so many wonderful things and people...  Thank you all for the role that you play in my life.

Z

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

...Did you know that the rough translation of  Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (according to Wikipedia) is "Atoning for educability through delicate beauty" (or as my lovely new friend put so beautifully "I'm dumb, but it's ok because I'm pretty")?  I didn't until just now...but I guess you learn something new every day!  ...now on to what this post is really about haha...

3 years ago next month I was offered a job as a fireplace installer/chimney sweep for the busy season...and I took it.  It was everything that I was expecting...lots of hard work, nothing glamourous...but the best part about it was that I could sing Chim-Chiminee Chim-Chiminee Chim-Chim-Cheree.  It pretty much made it the most fun job ever... (Not even close, but at least it made it bearable lol).

At that time I made it my life's goal to at one point in time or another have every major job from Mary Poppins...I figured after successfully completing the chimney sweep part it should be easy hahaha.  I have been a cook, and a housekeeper already.  Although I have never considered myself a street artist, I do often work around town in the public taking pictures.  It's not actually a job in the film, but at one time in my life I did consider myself a bit of a feminist, and I do enjoy excersizing my right to vote...so as far as I'm concerned that one's done.  I also do love to laugh loud and long and clear (once again...not an actual job but something totally worth wanting to do).  So the way I see it my remaining list goes something like this...
        ~ Kite Seller
        ~ One Man Band
        ~ Banker
        ~ Bird Woman
  Totally doable I think...with a little imagination!

You may or may not have noticed that quite arguably the most important job from the movie is missing...that of a Nanny.  Well, call me Mary Poppins, because as of last night I am officially starting my position as a Nanny this week!  I spent 3 days unemployed last week...and of those 3 I actually worked 2 hahaha...but it feels so wonderful to once again be able to say that I have a job.  And it's going to be so fun!  I'm very much looking forward to it...

Last week I made the move to the Bigger City.  It's been an adventure.  I'm homeless...which to most people probably sounds more like a nightmare than an adventure...but I'm loving the opportunity that it's given me to get to know 2 extremely wonderful girls much better.  I now have a working vehicle that will work for a long time (and I'm not just saying that this time!).  I've travelled to the City, to P-City, and to the Next Town...one a day for the last 3 days, and I'm loving the centrality of living here.  Last night I left the Next Town after midnight, got stuck behind an accident, and still managed to be home just before 1...where if I was still living in the Little Town I wouldn't have gotten home until after 2:30.  I'm very much looking forward to the new things that this adventure has in store for me...and in the meantime I'll just keep remembering the life lessons from Mary Poppins...

Just a Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down!
  Z (...I wonder how long until I'll be "Practically Perfect in Every Way"?)

Adios...

The mood was silent and sullen...people wandering around unsure of what to say or do.  Teachers, students, and townsfolk watched as the high school in our small town melted away to nothing. 
The irony in the situation is that the Auditorium which many fought to save over the last couple of years was the last thing to burn...so the whole town got to watch it...within weeks of the blatant disregard of the importance of local history being made public.  My dad was the one who spear-headed the campaign to keep it, and so there is much sadness today.
The whole school is gone.  My little sister's grad class last year is officially the final grad class from this school.  There are many students wondering how this is going to affect them and what's going to happen.  School busses went out today with the sole purpose of telling students not to get on...and to go home.  There's no school today or tomorrow...and who knows what's going to happen...
Even I, who never attended this school, have many memories there...and relived some of them as I watched it burn away.  I performed a play in this auditorium in my grade 12 year, and enjoyed returning to it to watch productions that family members have been in over the years.
Farewell Fair School!
 Z

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

I know I left a little mystery in my last post...but I'm here to clear all of that up now!

On August 9th I received my fall schedule...and realized that it wasn't going to give me the hours that I'd need to not only survive, but thrive and reach my goals. After a week of much careful consideration, and weighing of options I informed my supervisor that I would continue to work for them in the mornings, but that I was unable to do the shift they had scheduled me for in the afternoons as I would need to find a different job. This was a very difficult and emotional decision for me, but it helped me to come to the conclusion that change is sometimes good, and welcome. I had been feeling stuck for a while, and this provided me with the motivation to pursue a different path...little did I know at the time how quickly that path was going to change!

2 days after I "Half-Quit" I came home after a 13 hour work day between my 2 jobs to my parents inviting me to sit down because we needed to talk. The town informed my dad that day that they were closing the museum at the end of the month, and terminating his position as museum director/curator. This is going to result in many changes in my family over the coming months.

With all of these changes I realized that the best thing for me to do would be to move up my plans to move to the Bigger City by about 8 months, and go now. I began looking for jobs, and a place to live. I had a really positive interview last week, and so today I handed in my 2 weeks notice, and I will be moving on the 20th of September.

So many changes so quickly, and it took a while for me to process it all, but it is all very exciting (and super duper scary at the same time lol).

Until next time...
Z

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

Ok...I'm willing to admit it. I've been gone for quite a while.

2 days after the accident I was asked to be the co-chair of a committee to plan a YSA conference for 200 young single adults in the Bigger City. No big deal right? Hahaha WRONG. Besides the fact that my co-chair was a bridesmaid in a wedding, and then left to Europe for 2 weeks (and in the meantime was working 3 jobs) we only had 2 months to plan the whole thing. When I accepted this is what I wrote:

"I would be happy to be in a shared leadership role for the conference...which I'm sure I'll probably regret saying at some point, but I can do that."

That was on May 25. The conference started on July 29. 65 days. In that time I didn't just plan the conference...I continued to work full time, shot photos almost every weekend (including a wedding), participated in 3 local weekend YSA activities (and one super fun afternoon in an orchard following one of the activities), watched my brother in law graduate from University and my baby sister graduate from High School, went on a trip to Vancouver for me, spent some time with the family of a friend of mine while they were having their second baby, and started a second job.

Although most of those days are a total blur for me the conference was a big success! I couldn't have done it without my incredible committee members, and the wonderful leaders who were there to help out when needed. It was not an easy time. There was a fair amount of opposition at play at times, and I came close to my breaking point...but through it all I learned so much about myself. I learned my limits, and I learned that at times it's important to recognize limits, but push them just a little bit further. I learned that independence isn't always the best way, and that sometimes it's important to rely on others, and trust that they will do the very best job they can. I also learned that prayers do get answered...but not always on your timetable. I was extremely impressed by the group of YSA that came to the conference. Everyone was very respectful and willing to help out above and beyond what was expected. Our keynote speakers even commented on how wonderful everyone was during their address...at 9:00 am on a Saturday morning. People noticed how wonderful the group was at the beach. To top it all off the amount of gratitude expressed by many attendees was overwhelming to me...I didn't even know what to say anymore by the end of it.

All in all I'm happy to report that not only did I not regret accepting this leadership role, but I am so very grateful for all that this opportunity taught me, and how it strengthened my faith and testimony beyond anything I could have dreamed.


So what's the excuse for my absence in the last 3 weeks since the conference ended? Well, I don't really have one. There were some pretty incredible guys that I had the chance to get to know the weekend of the conference, and I've had the opportunity to spend some time with a couple of them since. I have started yet another evening job, so now that's 3 nights a week that I'm working now. I've done 2 photo shoots...and caught up on editing that I had fallen behind on while planning. I went to the City for a wonderful weekend. I went to the second street dance of the summer in the Desert Town...reaching my goal of going to both of them this summer...while there I won 4 gift certificates to local shops, saw some friends I hadn't seen in a while, danced with my little brother, got picked up (which, although it felt nice in some ways, made me realize that I'm never going to go to a street dance by myself ever again lol), and had a ton of fun. This past weekend I have been down with a cold, which has given me a good reminder to slow down, and it's given me some time to catch up on the things I haven't found time for recently...such as blogging.

This past week there have been some pretty major changes that have come up in my life, and the life of my family...and although I'm not quite ready to elaborate on them yet it will be coming soon...so stay posted!

In the LDS hymnbook there is a song called "When Faith Endures" (hymn 128). It's a simple song that most people just pass by, but it has been a source of strength to me these last couple of months...and I have a feeling it will continue to be on my mind for the next little while as well. The words of the hymn are:
"I will not doubt, I will not fear; God's love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind. I give the Father willingly my trust, my prayers, humility. His spirit guides, His love assures that Fear Departs when Faith Endures."
So simple, but so powerful. If you're going through a difficult time in your life, and you just need some extra strength try just repeating those words a few times. It sounds crazy I'm sure, but it truly helps. If you don't believe in God, then replace the words with whatever you do believe in...I'm sure it will help you too.

Sometimes when I think I'm at the end of my rope...when I just can't do anymore, and if I take one more step I'm sure I'm going to fall...that's when I learn the most about myself. And I always look back on those situations with intense gratitude for the learning and growth that I was able to achieve through them. Although it would often be easier to just not have to live with those times life isn't about taking the easy route...it's about learning, and growing, and building relationships, and strong foundations to fall back on when you just can't do it yourself anymore.


Have a great week, and remember to Smile!
Z

The Little Things

The little things in life really do make a difference! I never thought in a millions years I would be grateful to be able to wear a t-shirt, but after not being able to for 10 days after the accident it was a super incredible moment yesterday when I put one on. It was even a little wonderful to feel the pain that was there when I took it off, because I was grateful for the way that our bodies set limits.
These last couple of weeks have really opened my eyes to the true beauty in life. How incredible it is to see a child accomplish a task that they have been working on, or to see a flower in bloom, or to watch a couple in love walking down the street together. There are so many wonderful moments in life that many people, including myself at one point, just walk by or don't take the time out of their busy lives to enjoy.
The flip side to this though is that there are many little things in life that also get blown out of proportion in a negative manner. These little things can work together and build on each other to bring us down and obstruct our vision of the beautiful moments.
The little things can make such a difference in how we view the world, positively or negatively. Make them count, and see the beauty in the world around you...

Z

Perspective...

Last week I had a discussion with a friend of mine about how perspective changes as you get older...how things that just seemed typical 10, 5, even 2 years ago now just seem silly. This weekend I realized just how true that is.

On Sunday afternoon I lost a memory card from my camera. It had a lot of pictures on it that I will never be able to get back again...from my trip up North, from Mother's day, from the fire down the road from my church, from my siblings plays, from my little sister's last showcase assembly, and lastly every picture from the YSA conference I went to this weekend. I felt really sad, and I'm going to be missing these pictures for a long time.

Sunday evening I was hanging out with some friends and there were some comments made that, although not meant that way, felt very insenstive, and it hit me wrong. I was hurt, and confused. I didn't know why this was happening. I let it affect me more than I wish I had, and it got to me.

I was sad about losing my memory card, hurt by what was said, and even though I was surrounded by friends I felt lonely. It was a tough night...or at least it felt that way at the time.

Monday I was doing what I could to get past all of those feelings, knowing it was only me that was holding me back from having a good time. I felt like I was acting for much of the day, but eventually, after doing enough pretending, I really did start to feel better.

On Monday night, on our way back from the West the roads were wet. We were going around a corner, hit it wrong, lost control, crossed traffic, and hit a mountain. In a split second my perspective was changed drastically.

I will never forget the feeling that I had as I was looking over to see if everyone else was ok. In that moment it didn’t matter what had been said, what had hurt me…it only mattered that we were all alive. As I was beginning to look across the car to see how everyone else was all I could see was the hood that was bent up, the boulder on top of it, and how close we were to the cliff, and I felt like I couldn’t even look, I was so scared to see what shape everyone was in.

When I saw that we were all ok I wanted to cry, and laugh, and hug everyone. I was so overcome with emotion. I realized how much each one of those men meant to me. The bond of friendship there is incredible, and I am so blessed to have each one of them in my life.

These last couple of days have been super emotional and full of gratitude for me. I am so grateful for my family, my friends, my life, my job, the beautiful place that I live, and the knowledge that I have of my purpose in life.

Perspective really is everything. All of a sudden the little things just don’t matter as much. I can feel pain which means I’m alive. I can hear my friend’s concern for me, which means I’m not alone. I can eat dinner with my family, which means I am loved…and I am looking forward to many more years of feeling this way.

<3 Always!

Look Up!

I hate to admit it, but every once in a while I become that person who believes that there's no way something could work no matter how many people tells me it does. I become so engrossed in this thinking that I work to disprove the theory...by trying it a few times with the intention of being able to say "Yes, I tried it, and it didn't work for me." Kind of like MythBusters I guess. Now don't get me wrong, I don't get into this way of thinking often at all, but in the past when I have it turns out that typically I'm the one who ends up wrong. In fact...one of the first times I thought that this 'prove it wrong' theory would be a good thing to try it was at work...and I ended up learning my lesson. To the best of my knowledge the story is still being told to a new training class each week :-S Reco's anyone? lol.

I should have learned that time...but I didn't. The theory up for debate this time? All my life I've been told that if you go to conference with a question in your heart...if you pray about it before, sincerely asking for an answer, and commit to follow through afterwards...then someone will talk about it and you'll find your answer. This brought my mind to that 'MythBusters' point of view...how could there possibly be a way that, with 14 million people listening to conference, my question would be answered? So I decided this year to test it out...and you know what? Once again, I was wrong. I went with a question, and came out with an answer...a few of them actually. But somehow I still wasn't convinced.

Stake Conference was this weekend, and I thought that maybe I'd test it again...surely it couldn't possibly happen again? Really though, now I get it. I understand that somehow the Lord does find a way. Not only did I walk out with my answer again, but I heard many other things that I truly needed to hear, and it was wonderful!

I've had a rough month this past month (as you may have noticed in a few of my previous posts). Maybe those things that have been going on haven't seemed huge to others, but I have been truly feeling stressed over them...and not just each little thing, but the culmination of each of them to create a much larger obstacle. I think the worst part is when I'm trying to figure out the "Why" behind it all rather than just accepting what's happening and moving on.
On Saturday night Elder Carl Cook gave an incredible talk on this. He described a situation where he was caught 'looking down' and was instructed instead to try to "Look Up"...because then the situation would seem much brighter. There were a few quotes that he said that really impacted me...so I'll share them, and maybe they'll speak to you too!
He said "When we're asked to do things in our life that seem impossible have faith, and look up...it will all work out."
He also quoted a wonderful definition of Hope...
"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement."

~Preach My Gospel manual pg 117

Elder Dallin H. Oaks also attended our conference, and gave a couple of incredible talks. My favourite quote given by him was this..."The Lord hears our prayers and answers them according to His will. It may not be the answer we want, but he always answers it...sometimes by just giving us the strength we need until we can see the wisdom of the trial..."

How incredible it was to hear that! So I'm turning over a new leaf...I'm going to do my very best, no matter the situation, to do whatever I can, and then trust the Lord's plan for me and have faith that it will all work out. I know it won't be an easy thing, and my trials will continue. I also know that I'm not going to be perfect at this right away...but I will just do the best I can and through it all I will continue to look up instead of down!

Fun!

"You can have it alone but two are better than one,

What I wouldn't give to be a kid until eternity

What I wouldn't give to be A kid again and have fun!

Fun! It's got a rhythm, a sound,

Fun! And when the rhythm gets found,

Fun! You want to spread it around..."

~From the musical "Big"

I love having fun...and yesterday I did! I had the afternoon off, as I typically do on Mondays, and so I took off to the "Bigger City" for an adventure. There was no real "plan", only time blocked off to spend together having fun...and it was amazing.

I really love adventures with no plans that can be completely spontaneous...when there's no agenda, and no limits. Those are the best kind.

I am exhausted today, but it was so completely worth it I'd do it all again tomorrow if I could :)

So thank you to my partner in fun...I look forward to many more adventures with you...

Z

A Tough Day

...I've heard it all before... "This too shall pass", "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it", "After the trials come the blessings", and my personal favourite..."The Lord won't give you any challenges you can't handle"

Does there ever come a point where it's ok to say "Pretty sure I've hit my limit, and I just can't handle this one?"

I'm being a little sarcastic and facetious, and for that I apologize. I try so hard to be a positive person, and it just feels like lately I've been hit with one thing after another...and I'm beginning to wonder if there's ever an end?

I know I am learning so much about myself, and stretching my limits, and those are great things. And I am really doing my very best to push on and keep smiling...and one day I'll look back on all of this and laugh. This is just my chance to vent, and get it all out, so I can face tomorrow with a smile again.

On the plus side though...I had a couple of fortune cookies tonight, and between the 2 I ended up with 5 fortunes:

-You will take a chance in the near future, and win
-You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties
-A vacation to sunny shores is in store for you
-Don't worry about the stock market. Invest in Family
and
-You will be travelling and coming into a fortune

...well most of them work together pretty well, and I kind of like the sounds of that; a trip to a sunny shore with chances, and parties, and fortunes?

Anyone up for a trip? haha

<3 Z

Friendship and Trust

Growing up I had very few friends. I am totally ok with this, because it meant that I learned to build strong friendships, but I never really learned how to 'make friends'. Pretty much every friendship I've ever had has just been stumbled upon, and grew from there. Some of these friendships have lasted well over the years, some are making a 'comeback', and some haven't...but each one has served a purpose in my life, and I am so grateful for that! I have never found it easy to trust people, and there are very few people in my life that I feel comfortable enough with to share the most vulnerable parts of me, but I am so thankful to those few wonderful people who make it ok for me to talk to them...it has helped me through a lot.

When I moved to O-Town a little more than 2 years ago I didn't really know anyone except my family...and rather than doing something about that I chose to surround myself with work, and become a hermit except for when I returned to The City on the weekends. This all worked very well for me at the time. I was making money, and since my boyfriend and all my friends lived in The City I figured there was no point in really making an effort to get to know people down here. ...Problem was that when my boyfriend and I split up (through a very long, drawn out, and emotionally draining process) I was all of a sudden left with next to no support system, and really no desire to venture back to The City as often anymore where all of my friends and support system resided. I learned very quickly what a corner I had backed myself into, but I felt blocked in from all sides, and was having a difficult time finding my way out.

Around this time I quit my second job due to car troubles, which freed up my evenings quite a bit...awesome in some ways, but with no way to fill them I began to really feel the immense pressure of the situation I was in.

A couple of months later though I was out at a YSA dance (which took every ounce of motivation I had left to even get myself to due to not really wanting to face my life...) that ended up impacting my life in a positive way beyond what I could have even dreamed of. I was dancing with a guy that I had known for years, but hadn't talked to in a long time, when he said that they had just begun institute classes in the P-YSA. In my mind I wanted to fight it, and not go, but it was my weakness...the one thing I had truly been missing from The City. So I went. After a few more weeks of denial on my part and persuasion from the group I ventured out into the scary unknown of the P-YSA FHE...and I am so grateful that I did.

From that moment I have built some incredible friendships with some of the other P-YSA...2 of them in particular...and my life has been forever changed by each member of that group. I finally have somewhere that I can go where I fit in - where everyone fits in! There's no cliqueiness, or leaving people out just because. There's a wide variety of age, talents, interests, and ideas on life, and that's 100% ok. And my only problem with it is my own stubborness in denying myself of this group and these friendships for so long.

I can honestly say that I am truly grateful for all of my friends, and especially those few rare people who I can completely be myself around and trust with my innermost thoughts, wishes, weaknesses and heartaches. I feel like we have all been put together for a purpose, and that we are there to help each other come out of our shells, and be more comfortable with each other, in life, and with ourselves...

I cannot express enough appreciation for those amazing people who literally go WAY out of their way for me without a second thought, because it makes me feel special, and wanted. I also have so much gratitude in my heart for the talks and hugs that help me along my way. There are not enough words in the English language with a meaning deep enough to descibe the way I feel towards you...and I can only hope that I can show you through my actions what you mean to me, and that I can be that kind of a friend back to you in your time of need. At the very least I want to say thank you so much for being you :)

Last summer I had the opportunity to sing with my sister at a Music in the Park event here in O-Town. I was unsure if I was going to be able to make it through the song because I had had a very rough week with some bad news, and I was feeling particularily emotional that night...but we did it, and it is a memory I will never forget. The song was "For Good" from the musical "Wicked"...and the lyrics are very powerful...just have a quick read through them.

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason

bringing something we must learn

and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them

and we help them in return.

Well I don't know if I believe that's true,

but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better,

but because I knew you I have been changed

...for good

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime

so let me say before we part

so much of me is made from what I've learned from you.

You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine

by being my friend

Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea

like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better,

but because I knew you (because I knew you) I have been changed

for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blamed me for

...but then I guess we know there's blame to share

and none of it seems to matter anymore

...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better, and because I knew you

...

I have been changed for good."

Isn't it beautiful?! It is the way I feel...and I couldn't say it better. So to those of you that have made a difference in my life, and changed me for the better - Thank you with all of my heart!!!! I love you so much, and all I can hope is that I can one day at least pay your kindness forward if I can't repay you...

Anticipation...

Have you ever been so looking forward to something that it consumes your mind and the days drag on? That's me right now...and it's kind of ridiculous! I can't focus on anything even though I need to be, I keep thinking that time should be going faster than it should, and none of the plans that I'm making really make any sense at all.
As annoying as all of this is though I love the thrill that anticipating something gives to me...and I'm sure I'm not alone. Even something simple can be so exciting that it sends flutters down my spine.
Anticipation has its pros and cons...but it never EVER gets old :)

My little brother's different...and I love him!

I have always been so much more comfortable writing than speaking to people, because I can speak in an organized, emotionless way through my writing. As a result I often push off saying things that I want to say because, if I don't, it won't make any sense. This is something I've wanted to talk about to a lot of people a lot of times, but have never really had the courage to stand up and say it...until now.

When I was 11 my parents came to us kids with the idea of becoming a foster family. After weeks of babysitting for them to go to training courses, and months of endless inspections and paperwork we were set up. Then began the waiting for a child, or children...but after almost a year of waiting, having a bedroom set up and not being used, the waiting kind of started to get old. My mom had just written into her calendar to call the ministry and say that we were done, that we couldn't do it anymore when the phone rang...that call we had been waiting for for so long had finally come. There was a 10 month old boy waiting to come to a family - just temporarily, for 3 months - and they wanted us to take him. After a long talk that night my parents went to pick him up and bring him home. Because it was only to be a temporary thing there were a lot of changes in our family at that time. My mom became Mama B and my dad, Papa D. We weren't to get to attached to this baby, and he was only a baby that was staying with us for a while...he was not our brother! What a difficult time that was for all of us. Do you know how hard it is not to get attached to a 10 month old, round faced, chubby cheeked baby as he's reaching so many milestones? He took his first steps in our home, celebrated his first birthday, gave smiles, laughs, and eventually hugs. After the first 3 months we were told we'd have him for 3 more...which turned into a few more after that, and after a while his birth mother asked my parents if they would adopt him.

At the age of 2 1/2 this little baby boy became my brother. He already was in my heart long before that, but at this time it became real and official on paper. It was also around this time that, with many trips to the pediatrician he received the diagnoses of ADHD, PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). After a few years, around the age of 7 these all got rolled into the 'neat little package' diagnosis of Autism. After countless referrals, tests, and more appointments, when he was 10 he was diagnosed with FASD...Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

I have had the opportunity through work these last couple of years to learn so much about FASD, and I have come to understand it to a degree greater than I ever felt possible. With knowledge comes responsibility, and I have become passionate about sharing the information I have learned...and now I'd like to share some of the key points with you. I would like to start off my defining FASD in my own words...

FASD, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, encompasses anyone who has been exposed to alcohol prenatally, with effects on the fetus' developing brain. It is an invisible disorder, but one that will affect these babies for the rest of their lives. Depending on the time and amount of the exposure it can present itself in many different ways; physically, emotionally, and developmentally. The initial reaction of many people is to blame the mother of these children, but often there are many people that are at fault in some way for the consumption of this alcohol...but the guilt and shame tends to rest solely on the shoulders of this one woman who needs to face the world each day knowing that a choice she made has made her child's life more difficult. She needs the support, love, and care of those around her, because she will get the looks of judgement from the rest of the world who doesn't take the time to want to know her story and the reasons behind her decision. The child will also need lots of love and support throughout his/her life. His/her brain has not formed properly to one degree or another, and this will be a challenge in each step of their life. More than anything else though they will need your understanding as someone who can help them through a life that is tough enough without these added challenges. Here are some of the things that they, and I, want you to understand...

1: I can't count the number of times I have heard people say things like "You need to control yourself", or "You're old enough now, you can learn how to deal with this", or simply "Why do you act like that?". The sad truth is that often the part of the brain that teaches emotional and physical control is one of the parts affected by the alcohol. This leaves these children impulsive, and lacking control...or even, often, the ability to learn that control. Strategies can be taught, but carefully...and it takes time and patience, it won't happen overnight. Until then just realize that they probably are doing the best they are able to.

2: The way that words are said, and put together to make a sentence, can very much impact how it is received. Taking the time to think about not only what you are saying, but how you are saying it, can make all the difference to a situation. Those extra few seconds won't hurt anyone...and it will often help more than you know. On the flip side of this...going back to the lack of ability to control their thoughts and actions...the things they say are not always what they mean. Take time to investigate the things they say deeper before reacting to it...often it's more of a misunderstanding than anything else.

3: Please realize how important predictability is to these individuals. The slightest change in a schedule, however meaningless to you, can destroy their entire day. I've frequently heard "It's not a big deal!" as a response to someone who has been on the receiving end of a fall out from a schedule change...if it's really not a big deal then why change it in the first place? Because although it may not make sense to you it's a huge deal to them. They need to deal with so much that often predictability is the only stability they can count on...

4: The process that their brain needs to go through to understand what you are telling them is more complex than typical, and so often it will seem like they are ignoring you or purposefully being disrespectful, when really they just are unable to process the information. Patience is so important! And, if they don't understand what you are saying the first time don't just repeat it in the exact same way...try using different words, a different tone, or even different emphasis. A good rule of thumb is "Try different, not harder".

5: Most importantly please understand that all that these children, and adults, living with FASD want is acceptance and love for who they are...so give it to them unconditionally. They didn't ask to be the way they are, and their journey is going to be harder than you could ever fathom, so just do what you can...and be their friend :)


Today when I got home from work I asked my brother how his day went. He said it was good, and upon investigation I saw that both he and his teacher had rated his day as a "3"...the best day he can have, and he had nothing but positive comments from his teacher. I knew from experience though that something wasn't quite right, so I probed a little further. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and began counting out on his hands the names of children who were rude, mean, or disrespectful to him in some way today. After counting off 15 names he looked at me with his sweet innocent eyes and said "I think that covers it all." My heart broke in that moment. How could so many people in one day be so mean...and how could one 12 year old boy with so many difficulties in his life deal with it so well as to hide it from so many people throughout the course of that day?

Sometimes my brother comes off as rude, crude, angry, or harsh. Most of the time when this happens it is as a result of needing to hide his emotions, as a form of control, throughout the day at school until he is in his 'safe place' at home, or somewhere else he is comfortable. It is not always easy to be around him during these moments, and he is often impulsive and very angry at these times...but inside I know he's just scared. He understands that he's different, but is unable at this point to understand why...which leaves him in a state of confusion and hurt when people choose not to be around him. So, as someone who cares about him deeply, I am pleading...please be patient, loving, and understanding. And above all else please don't judge a situation unless you know the details of it...because if you put yourself in the shoes of someone living with FASD, even just for 10 minutes, you'll have such an increase of respect for these individuals, and understand the courage that they need just to face each day.

I love my little brother so much. He inspires me to be a better person, and helps me to see that maybe my problems aren't so bad. I am very proud of the way that he is learning how to be the best person he can be while living with the challenges he does. And I am so glad that I have the chance to have him in my life.

If you have any questions about FASD, Autism, or any other special need please feel free to ask. I love having opportunities to share, and by spreading the word of how we can best help these special children we can create a better world for each of them. There are also some wonderful online resources that are full of information...one of my favourites is the Provincial Outreach Program for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (POPFASD). Enjoy learning, and learn to love the journey to help these special people in any small way you can...

Thank you for taking the time to read about something that I care about deeply... Z

Drink in the moment...

"There will be times when you will be in the field without a camera, and you will see the most glorious sunset or the most beautiful scene that you have ever witnessed. Don't be bitter because you can't record it. Sit down, drink it in, and enjoy it for what it is!"

~Degriff

I've been revamping a nature photography workshop I gave last year for a presentation on Tuesday, and found this quote on the last slide. I remember it resonating with me when I found it last year, but it does even more so now.

My camera goes with me everywhere, and I often take pictures of the little things that make people wonder if I'm crazy...but it's the little things that often explain the situation, or just add that bit of fun to the day. There are sometimes though when I forget my camera, and it seems those are the days that I find millions of things I want to photograph. It's a hard thing for me to just let it go and be ok with taking mental images. I love the quote "I have a photographic memory I just forgot to load the film" because it describes me very much. I love that I can take a picture of something and go back years later to remind myself of the moments. Pictures help to bring back so many details and memories I would otherwise forget. Having said that though there are some times that it is worth it to just put the camera away and drink in the moment. Sometimes it makes me feel a little bit selfish when I do this, because it means that (aside from descriptions I can give) that moment is now all mine and I can't share it with anyone...but sometimes that's a nice thing to feel. It helps to keep those moments just that little bit more special...because then they belong to me.

Even when I have my camera with me I have been trying hard to learn to pay attention to details and drink in the moments that may not mean much now, but will one day. I have learned to appreciate so much more about the world around me and the people in it by doing this. Paying attention to the details of how things are said, the way people speak, and the way they act and react to those around them can tell volumes about those in your life. I feel so very blessed to have so many incredible people in my life, and be able to trust some of them with my deepest thoughts, ideas, and dreams.

My goals for this month are simple...to sing my way through each day no matter what happens, and to enjoy the details of the moments - with or without my camera.

Z

Saying So Long...

I am ok with death. This may sound strange to most people, especially those who know me, but it's true. I have been around death much of my life, and I actually look forward to it in many ways (hopefully it won't happen any time soon, but if it does then so be it). Of course, those who have been at funerals with me know I am often in tears. The thing is that these tears aren't so much for the loss of a beautiful life, as for the empathy that I feel for the sorrow of those left behind. One conclusion that I have come to, particularly in the last 5 years, is that there is nothing sadder than watching parents saying goodbye to their child...

Almost 5 years ago I was speaking to a friend of mine early on a Sunday morning, and he mentioned that there was an accident in the creek close to his house the night before...and there was a young man missing. My heart broke for the family involved... Later that day I got a phone call from my mom, and found out that that missing young man was someone I had known for many years, and who had played a major part in inspiring me to participate in Drama. His body wasn't found until days later. I was unable to make it to his funeral, but to this day I wish so much that I had. It was my first real experience with someone relatively close to my age that had had an influence in my life passing away.

A couple of weeks after that I was at church and ran into the mother of one of my best friends. I hadn't seen her in a while, and after saying hi I went to sit down to get ready for the service to start. My sister stayed to talk with her for a minute. The opening song that day was "Where Can I Turn For Peace?". It is one of my favourites, and has had meaning in my life for many years prior to this. We were just about done the first verse when I felt my sister's hand on my shoulder...she had a look on her face that was difficult to explain. She told me that as they were speaking this woman had told her of another death that had rocked the area I came from. This time it was another young man that I had known for years...at one time I was very close to most of his family, and considered him and his brothers as my 'older brothers' that I had always wanted. I have so many fond memories of this young man. I remember the day I met him, I remember him dancing with a mop (long story...), I remember many long talks about many things, and I remember those times when he did things "just for the heck of it". I choose to remember the best memories I have with him, because it makes it easier to remember him that way. I was able to go to his funeral. My heart ached that day for his mother, and each of his siblings, who now had to face life without him in it. It still does ache for each of them. At this time in my life I feared death, and all the unknowns involved with it...and I was ready to be done with it. 2 deaths so close together made for a really tough summer...

More recently last year a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer in August at the age of 26. I had been acquainted with him for a long time, but really only got to know him a little less than a year before this...but we had some good times together in this short time. We enjoyed laughing together, and I think he often enjoyed just sitting back and laughing at me (apparently I can get a little entertaining when I'm tired). I went to visit him in the hospital not long after his diagnosis, when at the time he had been told he'd have up to 2 years to live. He didn't talk much about the cancer, or why he was there, but he did say that he knew that if he found out the doctors were wrong and he only had 2 weeks rather than 2 years, and called people to tell them that that he'd be surrounded by people who cared for him faster than he could ever imagine. He had such faith in his friends, and although he never told me specifically I know he also had immense faith in the gospel. There was a lesson he taught in FHE one night where he told the whole story of the Book of Mormon with one sheet of paper, and although it wasn't the first time I'd seen it done, it had a powerful impact on me that night. He took some time that night showing each of us how to do the same lesson, and I still have it in my scriptures...and I think of him each time I see it. As it turned out, he only lived for a little over 2 months after his diagnosis, and unfortunately I was out of town for the weekend when I got the text that his health was deteriorating rapidly. I rushed home, hoping to make it in time to say goodbye, but didn't quite make it. As much as I wish I had had the opportunity to say goodbye I am glad in some ways that I didn't. My last memory of him is a happy one. I had gone over to his house with a friend just before heading out to a movie, and although he was weak and tired that night he was laughing a few times. I also got to see a side of him I hadn't really seen when his nephew came home with his parents...the love showing in his face towards that little toddler was beautiful to see. Although it was tough to see him go, and watching his family's pain at his loss was difficult I felt joy for him that he was no longer in pain.

Then on to today. Today I said goodbye to another beautiful soul. Our families knew each other back in Ontario before I was born, and with some stroke of luck, ended up moving to the same area by the time I was 10 years old. I had heard about them many times through the years, and thought it was so cool to get to know them after hearing about them for so long. Throughout the last 14 years I have gotten to know a few of their children quite well in different capacities...one of them being this sweet, inspiring woman. She had been fighting a disease since she was 3 years old, and had beaten all the odds against her with a positive attitude and an infectious smile. Her neverending optimism and unconditional love for those around her never ceased to amaze me through all of the trials she faced. My life was forever changed by knowing her, and I am so blessed to have had her and her family in my life for these last few years. I know that she is free now, from all her pain and suffering, and she is so deserving of every minute of the perfect body that the Eternities will give her. I will never forget the influence she has had on my life. It was so hard today to watch her family, many of whom I am close to, saying goodbye to this amazing woman...the love that each of them has for her is astounding, and I know it will be a difficult transition for them after years of helping her and taking care of her.

It will never get easy to watch a mother and a father have to bury their child...no matter what the situation surrounding it is. Thank goodness for the knowledge that this void that is left here on earth is only temporary, and that in no time at all we will all get to see those who have gone before us welcoming us into heaven. My heart goes out to those families suffering, and dealing with the pain and sadness of their losses, but how wonderful it is that the trials that come with life on earth are over for these souls that we love...and now they can prepare to welcome us home one day.

So, rather than saying goodbye I'd like to say So long, I'll see you in a while...
<3 Z

Dinnertime Romance

Tonight we were almost finished dinner listening to my dad's iPod, when all of a sudden he jumped up, grabbed my mom, and started dancing to "Reminiscing" by Madison Avenue in the living room. They danced through the whole song, and kissed at the end. It was beautiful to see. They are about to celebrate their 25th anniversary this year, and I love to see them so much in love still after all these years. It gives me something to look forward to one day :)

I am so glad to have this memory...I feel lucky to still have both of my parents in my life, and hope that I can continue to build many more memories like this one.

A well needed break...

What an incredible weekend I had! I could really feel myself getting worn down last week, so I knew I needed a break, but I had so much planned for the weekend (all good things, but packed plans nonetheless) that I wasn't sure when it was going to happen. So I made a choice - I'd leave my computer at home. You see, I have this terrible habit of taking my computer everywhere with me so that any spare moment I have no matter where I am I can spend time editing pictures...but as a result it doesn't matter where I am it never feels like I allow myself that break. So this weekend I made the conscious choice to leave my computer at home, and leave my cell in the car and only check it periodically...and it was AMAZING!!!
My weekend began yesterday afternoon with a walk downtown K-town with my main little man :) We saw some ducks, played peekaboo, ran around, and had a blast together. I then got to visit with his mommy (and eventually daddy) for a little bit before running out for a date. (Yes, you heard that right, me on a date - Crazy I know ;) )
The date started out with Bowling (which apparently I am not completely terrible at anymore? Either that or someone slipped a horseshoe into my pocket lol), then we drove to Vernon. We met up with some other friends that were on a date, and played Quelf - Easily the stupidest, but most fun and entertaining game EVER! A few of the things included in this game were:
-A human dog being told to roll over, play dead, and beg
-Lots of Yoga/Excersize
-Feet granting permission to speak
-A human boomerang
-A plunger in hand
-Disco Dancing
-Darth Vader breathing
-Crazy place names
and as always TONS of laughs!
It was super fun to say the least. I really love being so comfortable around those 3 amazing people, and being able to have such a great time with all of them :) You all rock!
Today was spent at Tube Town. I ate hay, spun around, and watched skiing 'ants' for the majority of the afternoon...oh and ran into the bumper tube with the help of some other awesome people. The tubing was amazing, the sun was shining, the weather was perfect (not too cold), and life was amazing...but even above all of that was the fact that I was there with some incredible people! Some I knew well, some I met today, but each one was wonderful, and funny, and fun to be around...and that made my day super fun!
After the hill a bunch of us played the world's longest running game of Imaginiff, and had some great times with that too...who knew games could be such a wonderful tool to get to know people?!
I don't think I could have asked for a better weekend...and even though I'm dealing with a total lack of sleep I feel refreshed and ready to go. So back to the reality of life, but with some wonderful new memories and friendships to keep me smiling along the way...

<3 Ciao

To My Someone...

I don't know if we've never met, or if we're already great friends. I don't know what you look like, or what your name is. I don't know what you do for work, what car you drive, what you like to do, or what your family's like. But, I do know that tonight, wherever you are, we are sleeping under the same sky that holds the same moon and stars that watch over us endlessly. This knowledge gives me the peace and comfort that I need to get me through until, together, we build the details of the story that I don't yet know, but already long to share...

All My Love Always and Forever...
Z

Happy SAD! (And a Happy Valentine's Day too!)

Well it's here again! The one day a year where relationships are the central focus, and love is everywhere. In anticipation of this day there always seems to be a huge segregation in the general population...those who are in happy relationships, and are looking forward to a wonderful night with their partner; those who are in happy relationships and who think it's just another day; those who are in unhappy relationships, and who just wish this day would end...and then there's us...those who are in no relationship at all. Everyone comes at this day with feelings of some kind: excitement, boredom, dread, apathy, or love. Or a combination of those.
I am 23. I have had a Valentine all of 1 year...and I've still survived the other 22! I don't often get caught up on it, but this year I have done a lot of thinking on the matter. I'm not one of those people who just pretends that Valentine's Day doesn't exist, but I don't go overboard for it either. I wear socks with hearts on them (because I love any excuse to wear non-boring socks), heart jewellery, and a red flower in my hair. Today I'm even wearing red (it's a t-shirt from TRU, but it's red nonetheless, so I should get points for trying I think ;) ). I also gave Valentine's to the kids at work. That's about it. So I got to thinking, what category does that put me in?
I've come to realize that today is just a day to celebrate love in general. I love my family, and my friends...so today is a great day to tell them that! But my main focus this Valentine's Day is me...I don't mean for this to sound vain or conceited, that's not at all my intention...but if I don't love me, then who will? Being single this last little while has given me an opportunity to get to know me better. I have spent a lot of time figuring out what's important to me, and how I can improve, a little at a time, to eventually become the person that I want. But my biggest realization has been that it is essential to love me for me.
So, on this day of Love that I am sharing with myself, I'd like to make myself some promises...here goes:
1. From this day forward I promise to accept myself for who I am right now. This includes, but is not limited to, the way I look (especially my hair on bad hair days!), the job I have, where I live, my relationship status, my plans for the future...all of it! THIS DOES NOT MEAN that I will not continue to improve myself...it only means that I'll accept myself no matter where I am on my journey to who I want to be. This also includes not feeling the need to apologize for who I am and what my beliefs are.
2. I promise to begin taking more "me time", to spend some time, at least once a week (...it's important to start small right? lol) in reflection. I will also take this time to set goals, and plan my future, according to what I am in control of.
3. I promise to continue on my journey of self discovery. I want to more fully understand me while I can so that, when I do meet the man that I will spend Eternity with, I will be able to give more fully of myself to the relationship because I will know me and my limits. In this way I will have to spend less time focused on me and more time on our relationship with each other...because I will be spending that time on me now.
4. I promise to listen to my body better. In an ideal world it will need to last me another 60 years or so! I will pay more attention to when it's telling me to slow down. I will also attend Yoga at least once every other week (again...for now. Baby steps lol), and when the weather is a little more predictable and less slippery I will start to run every day again.

I think that's it for now. I hope you are all having a wonderful day, and taking some time to reflect on your primary relationship, whether it's with someone else or yourself.
So for now Happy SAD and Happy Valentine's Day...Tell someone you love them :)

Life is Wonderful!

It's been a few weeks since I've posted again...partly because I've been very busy and partly because there's been nothing overly incredible that has happened. I say that with some misgivings, because there has been an incredible change in me over the last few weeks, it's just been a gradual thing...not one or more 'life changing moments'.
I have found my key to being happy. Not happy-smiling-haha, but truly, deeply, peacefully happy. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's there. Maybe the best explaination I can give is just a lack of stress and worry over things that don't matter. Just taking into consideration only those things that have an eternal impact in my life, and letting everything else go. So someone said something rude to me at work...it was just words. Or maybe someone cut me off as I was driving...I just slow down, because no one got hurt, so it was no big deal. It's an experiment that I've been working on...and I'm not perfect at it yet, but my daily life is so much better, easier, and happier these days. I've truly come to realize that we really never know what's going to happen tomorrow, or even today, so why should I waste time stressing over things that are meaningless? Instead I am using each precious moment I have been given to enjoy the life I'm living. On Sunday I saw a deer hopping/running across a frozen lake and into a meadow. It was so beautiful! And rather than being upset because the person driving in front of me was going slow, I was grateful that I was going slow enough to have had the chance to see it. It's mostly about just being content and at peace with whatever comes your way, rolling with the punches so to speak, and being grateful for the opportunities presented to each of us every day.
Try it...it's worth it...and even if it doesn't work for you I can promise it won't hurt anything!
Ciao,
Z

What would I tell my younger self?

The other day I read a post from a blog that was found and posted by someone I met in Lethbridge called 3 pieces of advice I'd give my 18 year old self if I could. It's a post about a man who "meets himself" at 18 on a street corner and has 20 minutes of his undivided attention. It got me thinking...if I could go back and visit my younger self what would I say? What advice would I share? If I could choose I would probably choose a younger age...16? Mostly because that's the age I was when I graduated High School and made many important decisions...

I think the first thing I would do was explain to myself how important it is to have confidence. Don't try to be other people, just be yourself, and love who you are. Remember you will always be a better you than anyone else! You are here to make a difference in the world just how you can...not how someone else can.

Next would come "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world" (Original Author Unknown). Never forget this. In life, in school, at work...you'll go through some hard times, but if you always remember that you never know when you'll come across that one person who needs you at that moment it will be easier to make it through your trials.

I would also bear my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel, and how the teachings may not always be easy to follow, but it's worth it to. This is one thing I struggled with for a while when I was younger. I think many people do. The expectations seemed great, and without a firm knowledge of why to stick with it life it was tough to make correct choices. There were times that the decisions I did make were not the right ones for the simple reason that it was easier. This is probably the closest thing I get to a regret, but I still do not truly regret it because I learned so much...particularily about the Love our Saviour has for each of us.

I would probably throw something in there about how boys aren't worth ruining friendships over and how sometimes they will hurt you, but there is almost always something to learn from the situation. This was something that took me too long to realize...but it's so true!

I'm not sure if there's much else I would share. Maybe I wouldn't even say that much. Each experience I've gone through in my life has been something to learn from...and I'm not sure that the consequences of changing those events and not learning each individual lesson would be worth it. What do you think? What would you share with your younger self if you had the chance?