At the beginning of 2000 I was sitting in my farmhouse with my family. Y2K was the big thing, and although I spent much time mocking those who truly believed the world was going to end I do remember wondering if maybe there was a little bit of truth to it...and in a way I still believe there was, for me. It didn't happen right away, but in this decade much of my world did end. I am nowhere near the person I was on that day, but that girl that day is part of the reason I am the person I am now. At the time I was 12 years old. I was a home schooled farm girl with only a couple of good friends. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had little to no self esteem. I knew that I loved living on our farm. I knew that I loved my family, and I knew that I missed my friends and family in Ontario. What I didn't know was what the future held for me.
In the year 2000 I turned 13, I became a teenager. I decided that one day I wanted to be a photographer. I enjoyed the power that a camera gave me in being able to capture a moment forever on film, never to be forgotten. I spent a lot of my time in the tranquility that the farm offered me searching for things that may be fun to take pictures of one day, but not often actually taking them, because film was expensive to develop. My camera gave me the chance to escape from reality that I so often needed at that time. The other escape I had was our horse Mustafa. I enjoyed just watching him move, forever amazed at the gracefulness and agility he found in such a large, awkward looking body. My reading at the time was almost exclusively about horses, fiction and non-fiction, and I dreamt of one day being able to ride again, any time I wanted to.
2001 and 2002 brought with them many changes in my life. I learned to appreciate my parents for who they were when, through health problems and an accident, I began to truly examine what my life would really be like without them in it. I found I didn't like the result! There were many scary times in those years, times I don't like to remember, but I often force myself to, because it helps me to realize how lucky I am that things turned out how they did. These were the years that my faith grew exponentially, and I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone was watching out for me and my family. Life was far from perfect, but it was the beginning of the wake-up call that I think we all needed. It was in these years that we also adopted my youngest brother...what a wonderful experience that was. It opened my eyes to the beauty of the world around us, and made me realize how important it is to make a difference in a child's life whenever possible. In the spring of 2002 I made the decision to return to school in the fall. I had been talking with an older friend who was graduating that year about grad and prom and all of the traditional events surrounding them, and realized how much I wanted to be a part of all of that. I had a strong desire to walk across a stage, and be presented with my diploma. I wanted to dance with someone that I cared about at my prom, and I wanted to transition into a school environment prior to University. We set up meetings with the high school principal that summer, and determined that I would skip 1 grade and go into Grade 11.
My 2 years of high school (2002-2004) were some of the best and worst years of my life. I had not had much exposure to the cruelty and drama of teen aged existence to this point, and I was all of a sudden thrown in head first.
My first semester of high school I spent many breaks and lunch hours on the phone with my mom in tears asking her to remind me why I chose this, and begging her to agree to pull me back out. My grades plummeted, because the environment was so different from what I was accustomed to, and I was having a difficult time finding the balance needed to achieve success. I broke down during finals that year, and was so mad at myself for doing so that it only made it worse. I didn't fit in, I was having a hard time with my work, and that Graduation that I wanted to much was beginning to look so much less appealing. I had met a few nice people that semester, but was so socially awkward that I had no idea how to pursue a friendship...or how to differentiate between genuine potential friends and those people who were only pretending to be interested to give them things to mock me about at the first possible chance. Thank goodness for a couple of really nice teachers who were willing to help me through this transition and make it as smooth as was possible! I will never forget what they did for me during those 2 years.
Things progressively got better in my second semester. I joined a Peer Counselling class at the persistence of the teacher who ran it, and it was the best decision I could have made. We had a close group that year, and I began to find in myself a desire to push forward in ways I was comfortable, and let everything else work itself out. I even sang in the Valentine's Day assembly that year. I don't think I was ever truly able to express to my peers in that class what they did for me, and part of that was as a result of not knowing words in the English language strong enough to express the deep gratitude I felt towards each and every one of them...so if any of you read this, Thank You! In that second semester of high school I managed to begin forming friendships, my grades got better, I became more involved in the school through programs such as Beauty From The Inside Out, and other things through Peer Counselling and Drama.
Grade 12 still proved to be a struggle, I still had a very difficult time feeling like I fit anywhere, and the social/schoolwork balance continued to elude me, but I found some confidence, and I stepped outside of my comfort zone. I made some strong friendships, some of which have lasted well through the years, other which have faded due to distance and lack of communication, but which meant no less to me at the time. I graduated on June 29, 2004. I walked across the stage and got my diploma. I sat there on a hot day in a gown that threw my body temperature off for weeks afterwards, and threw my hat to the ceiling at the end of a wonderful ceremony. I sat with many friends on stage, and had more there supporting me in the audience. I had the opportunity to go to Silverwood for Dry Grad earlier in the month. On July 1st I took a great friend to Prom with me, and watched the Canada Day fireworks across the lake. It was the end of an era for me, and the beginning of the rest of my life...and even after all that had happened I couldn't have been happier with my choice to go back and finish my education in the school system.
Some other important things happened in 2004 as well. After 7 years my parents sold the farm and bought a house closer to town. I also went on my first date...a double blind date with my best childhood friend from church. It was a date I will never forget. I met a wonderful guy through that, and we had lots of fun times together.
In September of 2004, at the age of 16, I moved out to go to University. I lived with a great family outside of the city, which was a nice transition for me. It was a new beginning. I knew very few people which meant a clean slate, and the possibility to start over. No one knew about my lack of social knowledge. No one knew about my difficult high school years. And most importantly no one knew my age. I quickly learned how to navigate the transit system, and I made some wonderful friends through my acting classes. I was an art student who didn't know a thing about colour, couldn't draw to save my life, and didn't have the first clue about the elements of design...which proved to be challenges, but kept life interesting that first year. I met some incredible people in my first year of University, people who made a very big difference in my life and whom I will never forget. I also began my foray as a Young Single Adult...and in most ways was very glad for that opportunity. In this first year I sang in front of 500 people, went on a date with a guy 7 years older than me, snuck into the campus pub on Thirsty Thursday (not to drink, but it felt like an accomplishment anyways), totalled my first car, learned that the Green Room was the most fun place on campus, made some great friends, and almost failed a class...and that's only scratching the surface. What a year that was!
The summer of 2005 I moved back home, got a full time job at Subway (and another full time job at the local museum, because I had so much extra time lol), and learned a lot about myself. I worked 15.5 hour days most days in 2 different cities 45 minutes apart, slept for 5 hours, and always had to check my email at 2 am when I got home...because there was this guy I had met, and started talking to, and he emailed me almost every day. It was a really fun summer, full of memories.
In September 2005 my sister and I moved back to the city together to go to school. We got ourselves an apartment, and had no idea what was in store for us in the year ahead. Somehow we made it through the first semester, although I still sometimes wonder how it happened. Thank goodness for wonderful people around us that we could lean on for support...and phones to call home. That school year was a wild rollercoaster ride for me. I made some mistakes that I regret, but I also learned the value of repentance and friendship.
The Summer of 2006 began with a search for a job, finally finding one with Vector Marketing selling Cutco. That job changed my life. I became much more confident, I did some travelling, and I found some life-long friends. That summer I also lost 2 friends within a short period of time - 1 who had inspired me through Drama, and the other who was very much like an older brother to me. I miss them both so much, and think of them often. Near the end of the summer I was also really happy to have a visit from 2 of my cousins who I had not seen for 9 years. It was a great week, and I will cherish those memories forever.
My third and fourth years of University looked much the same. I found a love for Psychology, and considered switching into it, but realized that I couldn't really at the time. One day I will go back and finish it. I took a choir class and made 2 great friends through that. I began living on my own because my sister moved out. I met a new guy, and learned much about life and love. I continued working with Cutco, and enjoyed each minute of it. I struggled near the end of my last semester of my program. There was lots of pressure, I was running short on money, and I was very ready to be done. I graduated with a Visual Arts Diploma on June 6, 2008 and was very happy to have some of the most important people in my life there to celebrate with me at that time. Very soon realized that I needed to make a change. I was working a minimum wage job with terrible hours, unable to make ends meet. I quit that job to work a seasonal position installing fireplaces, but that didn't last very long. I ended up staying in the city until the end of 2008, but moved back home in Jan 2009 to start a job working with Children with Special Needs in childcare settings, and begin paying off my debt.
My parents had moved to a different town in 2006, so even though I was moving home I was starting all over again. I left my boyfriend behind in the City, had no friends where my parents were living, and didn't have the first clue how to go about meeting people here. I was skeptical about driving to the closest YSA group to participate in activities there, because these were people I had known years ago, some older, some younger...none my own age, and I didn't really know where I stood with any of them. These were the people who had known that awkward 12 year old girl that I had wanted to forget about. I found a second job that would give me an added source of income and an excuse not to go to these activities, and didn't think much about it. I was travelling back to the city every other weekend to see my boyfriend for the first half of the year. My sister got engaged, and took off to Australia for 4 months the day after, leaving us with a wedding to plan. Stressful doesn't even begin to explain how the first half of 2009 looked for me, and most of my family. It was weird being back home, I was starting 2 new jobs, I felt like a failure in many ways, and I had lost a lot of the confidence I had gained in the past few years. One great thing that happened in this time was, with the help of a great friend, I began to start my photography business...slowly. At the end of June my boyfriend and I split up...but at the time it was to be temporary, so I chose not to tell my family. This split became permanent at the end of August a week after my sister's wedding. I was fortunate to be able to be at his sister's house though when it happened, which proved to be the best place, as it helped me know right from the start that my friendship with her was solid no matter what. To this day she and her fiance remain 2 of my closest friends, and their toddler is adorable, and I look forward to being his (and his new sibling to come next summer) Auntie Z for years to come. With this change of how my life was looking for the future I was faced with the prospect of going back to YSA things. In October I went to a Halloween dance and was told about the schedule of YSA stuff happening one town over by a man who would soon become one of my best friends. I had quit my second job, and had run out of reasons not to go, so the following week I began going back to Institute, with FHE following a couple of weeks behind.
So now to 2010.
~I have been doing tons of photo shoots and really been working hard to begin building a name for myself this year.
~I have made some incredible lasting friendships with YSA throughout the stake...in particular in the P YSA.
~I have met some great new people this year.
~I have started dating again.
~I participated in the Temple Youth Celebration as a counsellour and I can easily say it was certainly in my top 10 weekends of my life so far.
~I lost a good friend to Cancer in October. I miss him, and wish I had had the opportunity to tell him what an influence he has had in my life. I also wish I had had a chance to say goodbye.
~I began to think about the book I want to write. I have an outline done so far.
~I went on 2 big trips in October. One was to Calgary (and Lethbridge) to visit a couple of awesome friends that are going to school there, and caught up with some other friends I haven't seen in years. The other trip was to Utah with my best YSA friend to visit some mutual friends (and just simply awesome people) down there. It was a wonderful trip, and I couldn't have planned for it to be better. It also made me realize how burnt out I was allowing myself to get...and has helped me learn to listen to my body better.
~I have done what I could this year to live regret free, cultivating friendships, learning what's truly important in life, and loving every minute of it...because no one ever knows what will happen tomorrow.
In concluding this post, and this decade, I have found myself reflecting on one of my favourite songs from the early part of this decade... It's called Dress Rehearsal and it's sung by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. This song has been a huge influence in my life, and in finding my life philosophy. Here are the lyrics:
"Days pass me by just like moments
They're here and then they're gone for good, for good
I work so hard at where I'm going
I wonder what I've missed
I can't remember the last time
I picked up the phone to talk for hours on end
or sent a Birthday Card un-belated
Maybe I should slow down
I've always got a big to do list
Oh, but there's so much more to do, to see
I want to know that I didn't leave I Love Yous
Trapped within my heart
There won't always be another day to
say all the things you want to say, so don't, don't wait
wait for the perfect situation
It will never come around
When the Show is Over
and they Lay me Down
I want to be remembered for the Love I spread around
Life doesn't wait for us to get it right day after night
It just goes on, when it goes wrong, it goes and then it's gone
So I'm gonna do my best to make the most of it, avoid regrets
Take a breath. Realize time is irreversible.
This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"
When I think back all those years ago to that little girl who didn't know what life had in store for her I appreciate who she was, because she allowed me to become who I am now. Without that part of my life I never would have had the chance to learn and grow and change...and I wouldn't have been able to do any of it without YOU too! So for that, I thank you immensely.
Best wishes for the new year, and the decade ahead. Make the most of each moment!
