The other side of the coin...

Bonjour!

So...some of you may be wondering where I have been, and why I haven't been writing lately. A lot has been happening in my life, the biggest of which would be my little sister's wedding...and my own wedding! It has been a busy, but amazing, few months for sure.

In fact this particular event of my wedding is what has pulled me back into the world of blogging for today though. I recently read a blog entry called "Why Married People Can't Have Friends" (find it at http://www.millennialmormons.com/married-people-cant-friends/ if you'd like to take a read). As you can imagine this title interested me as a soon to be married woman. Reading through it I definitely knew exactly what the writer was feeling. I spent 10 years in the LDS young single adult program prior to finding my husband. I watched many of my friends get married, and I felt left behind every time. I generally wanted nothing more than to be in their position...looking forward to starting a family and moving on from being single. Because of these years that I spent feeling this way I had a conversation with my husband early on in our relationship telling him that I was uncomfortable being overly "couple-y" at any YSA function...this included no holding hands at church, no "arm-around" at activities, no kissing at dances etc. I didn't want to be the one to make all of my current YSA friends feel how I had so many times before. Lucky for me I married an incredible man, and although he didn't love the hands off idea he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable, so he agreed to it. For the first month that we were engaged we weren't even living in the same province, so it wasn't overly hard.

Imagine my surprise then when very soon after we got engaged I began to find out about get togethers and activities after they happened. Not only that but somebody also removed me from the activity email list so that I was having to seek out information about even the regular happenings. When I inquired about all of this I was told that everyone just figured I was too busy to worry about coming to things anymore. I was put back on the email list, but still only really heard about other get togethers after the fact. When I invited people over very few people would show up. When I went to activities only a few close friends actually made an effort to talk to me.

So I feel the need to share my perspective as a newly-married-formerly-long-time-YSA. Yes, marriage is the goal. Yes, it is exciting and wonderful. No, I don't have any regrets at all. But despite all of that the transition was not an easy one. "Being Engaged" is a fancy way of saying "Being in limbo". It is a busy time trying to plan, and prepare for upcoming changes, but you're not married yet. It is not easy to be in limbo and wonder where you fit. Sometimes an understanding friend is all you really need. The consistency of the schedule that you're used to can also be a helpful distraction.

We survived it. We made it through, and we love being married. This is simply an information article to help those that will eventually get married. When they get engaged keep loving them. Keep being their friends. Remember that they are getting married, not dying. You don't need to separate yourself from them to make it hurt less...the weird "learning to do everything together" period doesn't last forever, and it won't be long before they are looking for some time out with you again.

It is all a matter of perspective!

<3 Z

 

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The Kids in Our Lives Need Us To Be the Adults in Theirs!

Imagine this situation with me for a minute...

"I showed up to work today, and was informed that the 2 year old I would be watching has not napped for the last 2 days, because she doesn't want to. Now, if said 2 year old was still functioning as her normal self, and in ways appropriate to her age without an afternoon nap, all the power to her! However, when said 2 year old could hardly make it through the morning without sobbing and whining through every activity I realized that she still needed her naps. This realization only became stronger when during lunch she held an unchewed mouthful of broccoli in her mouth for over 15 minutes while almost falling asleep at the table, simply because she was too tried to remember to chew. At this time it became clear to me that she is incapable of the maturity required to make the decision of whether or not she needs an afternoon nap for herself. I chose to be the adult in her life at that time, and tell her that it was nap time...not giving her the choice to refuse. She is currently sleeping."

At 2 years old the human brain is not developed enough to make decisions like that for itself. A child that age needs the guidance and direction of older and wiser parents and caregivers to be confident enough to lead in an appropriate manner. This is not to say that one shouldn't use these opportunities as a chance for teaching and learning...there are many ways to lead and guide while still honoring and respecting the individuality and personalities of the little ones in our lives. It is important, however, to realize that they need us to do our jobs...to teach them, and help them along their journey of life in a safe manner. They need us to choose to be adults rather than friends. This is the case not just during toddler years, but throughout their lives...they will always need guidance and direction appropriate to their age group that will allow them to grow and develop into the people that they are capable of becoming.

So, be a confident adult! Teach and lead with gentleness and kindness. Foster an environment of learning for the children in your life. Don't be so overbearing and protective that they can't learn from mistakes, but don't be so relaxed that they can't learn that choices have consequences, and rules and structure exist to help us grow.

<3 Z

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