It has been 2 years since I've written on here. I have 2 drafts that I started writing, but never finished and published. I think part of my problem is that I no longer know ME. And if I don't know me how can I share myself with you?
I feel like life has dealt me the biggest identity crisis of all time. I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a body that has become a stranger to me. A body that I used to be able to trust that has betrayed me. A body that for some reason can't do the one thing it was made to do - carry a child.
I mean, as a woman, I grew up learning that my biggest blessing in life would be the opportunity to raise my children. Raise your hand if you've ever heard a version of these...
"I never knew how much I could love until I became a Mother"
"Sometimes life is really hard, but then I look into my baby's eyes and it all makes sense again"
Or...one of my personal favourites...
"Sure PMS sucks! But it is worth enduring because it means that one day you will be able to have a baby!"
So basically my body is holding me back from the biggest joy of my life. Fantastic! Unfortunately I have learned that Walmart doesn't carry replacement bodies...so I get to figure out how to continue living in this one.
I have been trying to learn about my reality so that I can feel like me again. I read blogs about infertility. I talk honestly to others who I love and trust who are experiencing or have experienced the journey of infertility. So many women in the world live with this pain, and luckily the shame around it is beginning to slough off, so it is becoming ok to talk about. And it helps!
But for me there is a second component to my identity crisis.
I don't know for sure if I am a Mother or not.
There is no one "definition" for Motherhood. HusB and I have conceived twice. But I have only been pregnant for a total of about 3 1/2 weeks. I have miscarried 2 times. But when I miscarried they were hardly more than a few bunches of cells. So although I grieved them, and the loss of the futures I had begun planning for them, and everything else that goes along with it...I really have never come to terms with what role I actually played in all of this.
Were those bundles of cells grown enough to be considered babies? Not really.
Did I carry them for long enough for them to have their own blood or heartbeat? One got close, but likely not.
Do I feel like on the days that I lost them my world shattered and pieces of it will never be found again in this lifetime? 100% absolutely!
Did I hold so much love in my heart for those little bundles of cells? Yes.
Do I cry when I see my niece who was born a day before my first due date because I think of all of the joy and milestones that I am missing out on? Almost every time.
Do Holidays feel empty now...wishing that we were celebrating them with our littles that aren't yet here? Yup.
So...Am I a Mother?
I am still trying to figure this one out. Some days I want to say yes. Some days it feels like I am not. Most days I feel like I am just a failed incubator. But it all really comes down to a personal definition that I haven't really developed yet. Which makes days like today - Mother's Day - extra specially difficult. Because how can you decide how to celebrate Mother's Day if you can't figure out if you're a Mother or not?
Luckily it only comes around once a year. So today I am wishing every Mother out there that may be reading this an extremely Happy Mother's Day. I hope that you are able to experience every part of the joy of Motherhood today! Even though some days are hard it really is a blessing.
As for me I will sit here trying hard not to dwell on this for too much longer today...because whether I am a Mother or not I am still a Wife, and my HusB deserves for me to be as whole as I can be...even today.
<3 Z
