I am ok with death. This may sound strange to most people, especially those who know me, but it's true. I have been around death much of my life, and I actually look forward to it in many ways (hopefully it won't happen any time soon, but if it does then so be it). Of course, those who have been at funerals with me know I am often in tears. The thing is that these tears aren't so much for the loss of a beautiful life, as for the empathy that I feel for the sorrow of those left behind. One conclusion that I have come to, particularly in the last 5 years, is that there is nothing sadder than watching parents saying goodbye to their child...
Almost 5 years ago I was speaking to a friend of mine early on a Sunday morning, and he mentioned that there was an accident in the creek close to his house the night before...and there was a young man missing. My heart broke for the family involved... Later that day I got a phone call from my mom, and found out that that missing young man was someone I had known for many years, and who had played a major part in inspiring me to participate in Drama. His body wasn't found until days later. I was unable to make it to his funeral, but to this day I wish so much that I had. It was my first real experience with someone relatively close to my age that had had an influence in my life passing away.
A couple of weeks after that I was at church and ran into the mother of one of my best friends. I hadn't seen her in a while, and after saying hi I went to sit down to get ready for the service to start. My sister stayed to talk with her for a minute. The opening song that day was "Where Can I Turn For Peace?". It is one of my favourites, and has had meaning in my life for many years prior to this. We were just about done the first verse when I felt my sister's hand on my shoulder...she had a look on her face that was difficult to explain. She told me that as they were speaking this woman had told her of another death that had rocked the area I came from. This time it was another young man that I had known for years...at one time I was very close to most of his family, and considered him and his brothers as my 'older brothers' that I had always wanted. I have so many fond memories of this young man. I remember the day I met him, I remember him dancing with a mop (long story...), I remember many long talks about many things, and I remember those times when he did things "just for the heck of it". I choose to remember the best memories I have with him, because it makes it easier to remember him that way. I was able to go to his funeral. My heart ached that day for his mother, and each of his siblings, who now had to face life without him in it. It still does ache for each of them. At this time in my life I feared death, and all the unknowns involved with it...and I was ready to be done with it. 2 deaths so close together made for a really tough summer...
More recently last year a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer in August at the age of 26. I had been acquainted with him for a long time, but really only got to know him a little less than a year before this...but we had some good times together in this short time. We enjoyed laughing together, and I think he often enjoyed just sitting back and laughing at me (apparently I can get a little entertaining when I'm tired). I went to visit him in the hospital not long after his diagnosis, when at the time he had been told he'd have up to 2 years to live. He didn't talk much about the cancer, or why he was there, but he did say that he knew that if he found out the doctors were wrong and he only had 2 weeks rather than 2 years, and called people to tell them that that he'd be surrounded by people who cared for him faster than he could ever imagine. He had such faith in his friends, and although he never told me specifically I know he also had immense faith in the gospel. There was a lesson he taught in FHE one night where he told the whole story of the Book of Mormon with one sheet of paper, and although it wasn't the first time I'd seen it done, it had a powerful impact on me that night. He took some time that night showing each of us how to do the same lesson, and I still have it in my scriptures...and I think of him each time I see it. As it turned out, he only lived for a little over 2 months after his diagnosis, and unfortunately I was out of town for the weekend when I got the text that his health was deteriorating rapidly. I rushed home, hoping to make it in time to say goodbye, but didn't quite make it. As much as I wish I had had the opportunity to say goodbye I am glad in some ways that I didn't. My last memory of him is a happy one. I had gone over to his house with a friend just before heading out to a movie, and although he was weak and tired that night he was laughing a few times. I also got to see a side of him I hadn't really seen when his nephew came home with his parents...the love showing in his face towards that little toddler was beautiful to see. Although it was tough to see him go, and watching his family's pain at his loss was difficult I felt joy for him that he was no longer in pain.
Then on to today. Today I said goodbye to another beautiful soul. Our families knew each other back in Ontario before I was born, and with some stroke of luck, ended up moving to the same area by the time I was 10 years old. I had heard about them many times through the years, and thought it was so cool to get to know them after hearing about them for so long. Throughout the last 14 years I have gotten to know a few of their children quite well in different capacities...one of them being this sweet, inspiring woman. She had been fighting a disease since she was 3 years old, and had beaten all the odds against her with a positive attitude and an infectious smile. Her neverending optimism and unconditional love for those around her never ceased to amaze me through all of the trials she faced. My life was forever changed by knowing her, and I am so blessed to have had her and her family in my life for these last few years. I know that she is free now, from all her pain and suffering, and she is so deserving of every minute of the perfect body that the Eternities will give her. I will never forget the influence she has had on my life. It was so hard today to watch her family, many of whom I am close to, saying goodbye to this amazing woman...the love that each of them has for her is astounding, and I know it will be a difficult transition for them after years of helping her and taking care of her.
It will never get easy to watch a mother and a father have to bury their child...no matter what the situation surrounding it is. Thank goodness for the knowledge that this void that is left here on earth is only temporary, and that in no time at all we will all get to see those who have gone before us welcoming us into heaven. My heart goes out to those families suffering, and dealing with the pain and sadness of their losses, but how wonderful it is that the trials that come with life on earth are over for these souls that we love...and now they can prepare to welcome us home one day.
So, rather than saying goodbye I'd like to say So long, I'll see you in a while...
<3 Z
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