Gotta be Somebody...

Yesterday as HusB and I were driving to work Nickelback's Gotta Be Somebody came on the radio.  In case you've never heard it before here are some of the lyrics:

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holdin' my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me like that.
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

This is a song that I used to belt out - didn't matter where it was - if I heard it I was singing it!  Sometimes it would be accompanied by a few tears and questions about whether or not there really was someone out there for me...but I hoped there was!

August has become a really special month for me since then, because it marks some pretty important anniversaries for HusB and I...3 years ago this month we met...and talked about getting married...and booked our wedding...and made plans for where we would live, and figured out how to make that happen...all in the space of 19 days!  We didn't have our first date or get engaged officially until September - I mean we aren't crazy or anything  (hahahahahaha)!

In the last 3 years a lot has happened that neither of us ever anticipated.  We have lived in 3 houses in 2 cities.  We have lost jobs, struggled to make ends meet, put up with crazy schedules at crappy jobs.  We have struggled to be independent.  We have had to rely on others (and we have been so grateful for the extra support and love we have felt at those times!)

And of course we have dealt with the unexpected journey of infertility.  It amazes me over and over just how completely infertility takes over one's life!  We have now seen a total of 10 different doctors (in 4 cities) since starting our journey down this path, and we still have minimal answers at best.  Last week we had yet another doctor tell us that my bloodwork is fine and no follow up is needed (a doctor that I waited 6 months and drove a total of 8 hours to see).  I have never felt such pain and frustration with anything as I do whenever I see how much infertility has changed our lives.  But I am so grateful to have my HusB as my partner through all of this.  He is so supportive and caring towards me.  Sometimes I don't even know how to handle me in the midst of all of this, but he does it perfectly.   He doesn't question me when pregnancy announcements from others hit me hard...he is always just waiting there with a hug.  And when I do handle them ok in the moment he always checks in with me later that day and lets me cry it out then when I need to.  He is constantly aware of me and my needs, and I am perpetually grateful to him for that.

So yes...there was (and is) somebody for me.  I can't say that the moment that we met played out like a movie scene - unless it was a scene from a really awkward teen comedy haha - but  my HusB is the partner that I always dreamed that I would find...and I am so grateful that we get to spend forever together!

(And I totally loved being able to finally listen to that song and know that I found him!!!)

Until next time...
Z <3

There are over 200,000 words in the English language.
More words get added every year.
Still, none are capable of describing the pain that I feel.
The happiest times in the lives of others bring me to the edge of the biggest, blackest hole.
I sit and I wait.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and laugh and ask questions.  I want to be able to respond in a normal way.  I want to be able to share in that happiness.
But instead I can't move.  I can't breathe.  Somehow the wound that I thought was beginning to scab all of a sudden gets ripped open again.  The edges get torn a little bigger.
I want to just crawl into that hole.  But I can't.   I somehow need to move.  I need to breathe.
 Nothing will get better if I don't breathe.
So I do.
I breathe because I have to.
But once I breathe I remember how badly it hurts.
I can't stop it.
So I run.  And I write.
And I cry.

Am I a Mother?

It has been 2 years since I've written on here. I have 2 drafts that I started writing, but never finished and published. I think part of my problem is that I no longer know ME. And if I don't know me how can I share myself with you?
I feel like life has dealt me the biggest identity crisis of all time. I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a body that has become a stranger to me. A body that I used to be able to trust that has betrayed me. A body that for some reason can't do the one thing it was made to do - carry a child.
I mean, as a woman, I grew up learning that my biggest blessing in life would be the opportunity to raise my children. Raise your hand if you've ever heard a version of these...
"I never knew how much I could love until I became a Mother"
"Sometimes life is really hard, but then I look into my baby's eyes and it all makes sense again"
Or...one of my personal favourites...
"Sure PMS sucks!  But it is worth enduring because it means that one day you will be able to have a baby!"
So basically my body is holding me back from the biggest joy of my life. Fantastic!  Unfortunately I have learned that Walmart doesn't carry replacement bodies...so I get to figure out how to continue living in this one.

I have been trying to learn about my reality so that I can feel like me again. I read blogs about infertility. I talk honestly to others who I love and trust who are experiencing or have experienced the journey of infertility. So many women in the world live with this pain, and luckily the shame around it is beginning to slough off, so it is becoming ok to talk about. And it helps!

But for me there is a second component to my identity crisis.

I don't know for sure if I am a Mother or not.

There is no one "definition" for Motherhood. HusB and I have conceived twice. But I have only been pregnant for a total of about 3 1/2 weeks.  I have miscarried 2 times. But when I miscarried they were hardly more than a few bunches of cells. So although I grieved them, and the loss of the futures I had begun planning for them, and everything else that goes along with it...I really have never come to terms with what role I actually played in all of this.

Were those bundles of cells grown enough to be considered babies?  Not really.
Did I carry them for long enough for them to have their own blood or heartbeat?  One got close, but likely not.
Do I feel like on the days that I lost them my world shattered and pieces of it will never be found again in this lifetime?  100% absolutely!
Did I hold so much love in my heart for those little bundles of cells?  Yes.
Do I cry when I see my niece who was born a day before my first due date because I think of all of the joy and milestones that I am missing out on?  Almost every time.
Do Holidays feel empty now...wishing that we were celebrating them with our littles that aren't yet here?  Yup.

So...Am I a Mother?

I am still trying to figure this one out. Some days I want to say yes. Some days it feels like I am not.  Most days I feel like I am just a failed incubator. But it all really comes down to a personal definition that I haven't really developed yet.  Which makes days like today - Mother's Day - extra specially difficult. Because how can you decide how to celebrate Mother's Day if you can't figure out if you're a Mother or not?

Luckily it only comes around once a year.  So today I am wishing every Mother out there that may be reading this an extremely Happy Mother's Day. I hope that you are able to experience every part of the joy of Motherhood today!  Even though some days are hard it really is a blessing.

As for me I will sit here trying hard not to dwell on this for too much longer today...because whether I am a Mother or not I am still a Wife, and my HusB deserves for me to be as whole as I can be...even today.

<3 Z