Friendship and Trust

Growing up I had very few friends. I am totally ok with this, because it meant that I learned to build strong friendships, but I never really learned how to 'make friends'. Pretty much every friendship I've ever had has just been stumbled upon, and grew from there. Some of these friendships have lasted well over the years, some are making a 'comeback', and some haven't...but each one has served a purpose in my life, and I am so grateful for that! I have never found it easy to trust people, and there are very few people in my life that I feel comfortable enough with to share the most vulnerable parts of me, but I am so thankful to those few wonderful people who make it ok for me to talk to them...it has helped me through a lot.

When I moved to O-Town a little more than 2 years ago I didn't really know anyone except my family...and rather than doing something about that I chose to surround myself with work, and become a hermit except for when I returned to The City on the weekends. This all worked very well for me at the time. I was making money, and since my boyfriend and all my friends lived in The City I figured there was no point in really making an effort to get to know people down here. ...Problem was that when my boyfriend and I split up (through a very long, drawn out, and emotionally draining process) I was all of a sudden left with next to no support system, and really no desire to venture back to The City as often anymore where all of my friends and support system resided. I learned very quickly what a corner I had backed myself into, but I felt blocked in from all sides, and was having a difficult time finding my way out.

Around this time I quit my second job due to car troubles, which freed up my evenings quite a bit...awesome in some ways, but with no way to fill them I began to really feel the immense pressure of the situation I was in.

A couple of months later though I was out at a YSA dance (which took every ounce of motivation I had left to even get myself to due to not really wanting to face my life...) that ended up impacting my life in a positive way beyond what I could have even dreamed of. I was dancing with a guy that I had known for years, but hadn't talked to in a long time, when he said that they had just begun institute classes in the P-YSA. In my mind I wanted to fight it, and not go, but it was my weakness...the one thing I had truly been missing from The City. So I went. After a few more weeks of denial on my part and persuasion from the group I ventured out into the scary unknown of the P-YSA FHE...and I am so grateful that I did.

From that moment I have built some incredible friendships with some of the other P-YSA...2 of them in particular...and my life has been forever changed by each member of that group. I finally have somewhere that I can go where I fit in - where everyone fits in! There's no cliqueiness, or leaving people out just because. There's a wide variety of age, talents, interests, and ideas on life, and that's 100% ok. And my only problem with it is my own stubborness in denying myself of this group and these friendships for so long.

I can honestly say that I am truly grateful for all of my friends, and especially those few rare people who I can completely be myself around and trust with my innermost thoughts, wishes, weaknesses and heartaches. I feel like we have all been put together for a purpose, and that we are there to help each other come out of our shells, and be more comfortable with each other, in life, and with ourselves...

I cannot express enough appreciation for those amazing people who literally go WAY out of their way for me without a second thought, because it makes me feel special, and wanted. I also have so much gratitude in my heart for the talks and hugs that help me along my way. There are not enough words in the English language with a meaning deep enough to descibe the way I feel towards you...and I can only hope that I can show you through my actions what you mean to me, and that I can be that kind of a friend back to you in your time of need. At the very least I want to say thank you so much for being you :)

Last summer I had the opportunity to sing with my sister at a Music in the Park event here in O-Town. I was unsure if I was going to be able to make it through the song because I had had a very rough week with some bad news, and I was feeling particularily emotional that night...but we did it, and it is a memory I will never forget. The song was "For Good" from the musical "Wicked"...and the lyrics are very powerful...just have a quick read through them.

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason

bringing something we must learn

and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them

and we help them in return.

Well I don't know if I believe that's true,

but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better,

but because I knew you I have been changed

...for good

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime

so let me say before we part

so much of me is made from what I've learned from you.

You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine

by being my friend

Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea

like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better,

but because I knew you (because I knew you) I have been changed

for good

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blamed me for

...but then I guess we know there's blame to share

and none of it seems to matter anymore

...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better, and because I knew you

...

I have been changed for good."

Isn't it beautiful?! It is the way I feel...and I couldn't say it better. So to those of you that have made a difference in my life, and changed me for the better - Thank you with all of my heart!!!! I love you so much, and all I can hope is that I can one day at least pay your kindness forward if I can't repay you...

Anticipation...

Have you ever been so looking forward to something that it consumes your mind and the days drag on? That's me right now...and it's kind of ridiculous! I can't focus on anything even though I need to be, I keep thinking that time should be going faster than it should, and none of the plans that I'm making really make any sense at all.
As annoying as all of this is though I love the thrill that anticipating something gives to me...and I'm sure I'm not alone. Even something simple can be so exciting that it sends flutters down my spine.
Anticipation has its pros and cons...but it never EVER gets old :)

My little brother's different...and I love him!

I have always been so much more comfortable writing than speaking to people, because I can speak in an organized, emotionless way through my writing. As a result I often push off saying things that I want to say because, if I don't, it won't make any sense. This is something I've wanted to talk about to a lot of people a lot of times, but have never really had the courage to stand up and say it...until now.

When I was 11 my parents came to us kids with the idea of becoming a foster family. After weeks of babysitting for them to go to training courses, and months of endless inspections and paperwork we were set up. Then began the waiting for a child, or children...but after almost a year of waiting, having a bedroom set up and not being used, the waiting kind of started to get old. My mom had just written into her calendar to call the ministry and say that we were done, that we couldn't do it anymore when the phone rang...that call we had been waiting for for so long had finally come. There was a 10 month old boy waiting to come to a family - just temporarily, for 3 months - and they wanted us to take him. After a long talk that night my parents went to pick him up and bring him home. Because it was only to be a temporary thing there were a lot of changes in our family at that time. My mom became Mama B and my dad, Papa D. We weren't to get to attached to this baby, and he was only a baby that was staying with us for a while...he was not our brother! What a difficult time that was for all of us. Do you know how hard it is not to get attached to a 10 month old, round faced, chubby cheeked baby as he's reaching so many milestones? He took his first steps in our home, celebrated his first birthday, gave smiles, laughs, and eventually hugs. After the first 3 months we were told we'd have him for 3 more...which turned into a few more after that, and after a while his birth mother asked my parents if they would adopt him.

At the age of 2 1/2 this little baby boy became my brother. He already was in my heart long before that, but at this time it became real and official on paper. It was also around this time that, with many trips to the pediatrician he received the diagnoses of ADHD, PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). After a few years, around the age of 7 these all got rolled into the 'neat little package' diagnosis of Autism. After countless referrals, tests, and more appointments, when he was 10 he was diagnosed with FASD...Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

I have had the opportunity through work these last couple of years to learn so much about FASD, and I have come to understand it to a degree greater than I ever felt possible. With knowledge comes responsibility, and I have become passionate about sharing the information I have learned...and now I'd like to share some of the key points with you. I would like to start off my defining FASD in my own words...

FASD, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, encompasses anyone who has been exposed to alcohol prenatally, with effects on the fetus' developing brain. It is an invisible disorder, but one that will affect these babies for the rest of their lives. Depending on the time and amount of the exposure it can present itself in many different ways; physically, emotionally, and developmentally. The initial reaction of many people is to blame the mother of these children, but often there are many people that are at fault in some way for the consumption of this alcohol...but the guilt and shame tends to rest solely on the shoulders of this one woman who needs to face the world each day knowing that a choice she made has made her child's life more difficult. She needs the support, love, and care of those around her, because she will get the looks of judgement from the rest of the world who doesn't take the time to want to know her story and the reasons behind her decision. The child will also need lots of love and support throughout his/her life. His/her brain has not formed properly to one degree or another, and this will be a challenge in each step of their life. More than anything else though they will need your understanding as someone who can help them through a life that is tough enough without these added challenges. Here are some of the things that they, and I, want you to understand...

1: I can't count the number of times I have heard people say things like "You need to control yourself", or "You're old enough now, you can learn how to deal with this", or simply "Why do you act like that?". The sad truth is that often the part of the brain that teaches emotional and physical control is one of the parts affected by the alcohol. This leaves these children impulsive, and lacking control...or even, often, the ability to learn that control. Strategies can be taught, but carefully...and it takes time and patience, it won't happen overnight. Until then just realize that they probably are doing the best they are able to.

2: The way that words are said, and put together to make a sentence, can very much impact how it is received. Taking the time to think about not only what you are saying, but how you are saying it, can make all the difference to a situation. Those extra few seconds won't hurt anyone...and it will often help more than you know. On the flip side of this...going back to the lack of ability to control their thoughts and actions...the things they say are not always what they mean. Take time to investigate the things they say deeper before reacting to it...often it's more of a misunderstanding than anything else.

3: Please realize how important predictability is to these individuals. The slightest change in a schedule, however meaningless to you, can destroy their entire day. I've frequently heard "It's not a big deal!" as a response to someone who has been on the receiving end of a fall out from a schedule change...if it's really not a big deal then why change it in the first place? Because although it may not make sense to you it's a huge deal to them. They need to deal with so much that often predictability is the only stability they can count on...

4: The process that their brain needs to go through to understand what you are telling them is more complex than typical, and so often it will seem like they are ignoring you or purposefully being disrespectful, when really they just are unable to process the information. Patience is so important! And, if they don't understand what you are saying the first time don't just repeat it in the exact same way...try using different words, a different tone, or even different emphasis. A good rule of thumb is "Try different, not harder".

5: Most importantly please understand that all that these children, and adults, living with FASD want is acceptance and love for who they are...so give it to them unconditionally. They didn't ask to be the way they are, and their journey is going to be harder than you could ever fathom, so just do what you can...and be their friend :)


Today when I got home from work I asked my brother how his day went. He said it was good, and upon investigation I saw that both he and his teacher had rated his day as a "3"...the best day he can have, and he had nothing but positive comments from his teacher. I knew from experience though that something wasn't quite right, so I probed a little further. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and began counting out on his hands the names of children who were rude, mean, or disrespectful to him in some way today. After counting off 15 names he looked at me with his sweet innocent eyes and said "I think that covers it all." My heart broke in that moment. How could so many people in one day be so mean...and how could one 12 year old boy with so many difficulties in his life deal with it so well as to hide it from so many people throughout the course of that day?

Sometimes my brother comes off as rude, crude, angry, or harsh. Most of the time when this happens it is as a result of needing to hide his emotions, as a form of control, throughout the day at school until he is in his 'safe place' at home, or somewhere else he is comfortable. It is not always easy to be around him during these moments, and he is often impulsive and very angry at these times...but inside I know he's just scared. He understands that he's different, but is unable at this point to understand why...which leaves him in a state of confusion and hurt when people choose not to be around him. So, as someone who cares about him deeply, I am pleading...please be patient, loving, and understanding. And above all else please don't judge a situation unless you know the details of it...because if you put yourself in the shoes of someone living with FASD, even just for 10 minutes, you'll have such an increase of respect for these individuals, and understand the courage that they need just to face each day.

I love my little brother so much. He inspires me to be a better person, and helps me to see that maybe my problems aren't so bad. I am very proud of the way that he is learning how to be the best person he can be while living with the challenges he does. And I am so glad that I have the chance to have him in my life.

If you have any questions about FASD, Autism, or any other special need please feel free to ask. I love having opportunities to share, and by spreading the word of how we can best help these special children we can create a better world for each of them. There are also some wonderful online resources that are full of information...one of my favourites is the Provincial Outreach Program for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (POPFASD). Enjoy learning, and learn to love the journey to help these special people in any small way you can...

Thank you for taking the time to read about something that I care about deeply... Z

Drink in the moment...

"There will be times when you will be in the field without a camera, and you will see the most glorious sunset or the most beautiful scene that you have ever witnessed. Don't be bitter because you can't record it. Sit down, drink it in, and enjoy it for what it is!"

~Degriff

I've been revamping a nature photography workshop I gave last year for a presentation on Tuesday, and found this quote on the last slide. I remember it resonating with me when I found it last year, but it does even more so now.

My camera goes with me everywhere, and I often take pictures of the little things that make people wonder if I'm crazy...but it's the little things that often explain the situation, or just add that bit of fun to the day. There are sometimes though when I forget my camera, and it seems those are the days that I find millions of things I want to photograph. It's a hard thing for me to just let it go and be ok with taking mental images. I love the quote "I have a photographic memory I just forgot to load the film" because it describes me very much. I love that I can take a picture of something and go back years later to remind myself of the moments. Pictures help to bring back so many details and memories I would otherwise forget. Having said that though there are some times that it is worth it to just put the camera away and drink in the moment. Sometimes it makes me feel a little bit selfish when I do this, because it means that (aside from descriptions I can give) that moment is now all mine and I can't share it with anyone...but sometimes that's a nice thing to feel. It helps to keep those moments just that little bit more special...because then they belong to me.

Even when I have my camera with me I have been trying hard to learn to pay attention to details and drink in the moments that may not mean much now, but will one day. I have learned to appreciate so much more about the world around me and the people in it by doing this. Paying attention to the details of how things are said, the way people speak, and the way they act and react to those around them can tell volumes about those in your life. I feel so very blessed to have so many incredible people in my life, and be able to trust some of them with my deepest thoughts, ideas, and dreams.

My goals for this month are simple...to sing my way through each day no matter what happens, and to enjoy the details of the moments - with or without my camera.

Z

Saying So Long...

I am ok with death. This may sound strange to most people, especially those who know me, but it's true. I have been around death much of my life, and I actually look forward to it in many ways (hopefully it won't happen any time soon, but if it does then so be it). Of course, those who have been at funerals with me know I am often in tears. The thing is that these tears aren't so much for the loss of a beautiful life, as for the empathy that I feel for the sorrow of those left behind. One conclusion that I have come to, particularly in the last 5 years, is that there is nothing sadder than watching parents saying goodbye to their child...

Almost 5 years ago I was speaking to a friend of mine early on a Sunday morning, and he mentioned that there was an accident in the creek close to his house the night before...and there was a young man missing. My heart broke for the family involved... Later that day I got a phone call from my mom, and found out that that missing young man was someone I had known for many years, and who had played a major part in inspiring me to participate in Drama. His body wasn't found until days later. I was unable to make it to his funeral, but to this day I wish so much that I had. It was my first real experience with someone relatively close to my age that had had an influence in my life passing away.

A couple of weeks after that I was at church and ran into the mother of one of my best friends. I hadn't seen her in a while, and after saying hi I went to sit down to get ready for the service to start. My sister stayed to talk with her for a minute. The opening song that day was "Where Can I Turn For Peace?". It is one of my favourites, and has had meaning in my life for many years prior to this. We were just about done the first verse when I felt my sister's hand on my shoulder...she had a look on her face that was difficult to explain. She told me that as they were speaking this woman had told her of another death that had rocked the area I came from. This time it was another young man that I had known for years...at one time I was very close to most of his family, and considered him and his brothers as my 'older brothers' that I had always wanted. I have so many fond memories of this young man. I remember the day I met him, I remember him dancing with a mop (long story...), I remember many long talks about many things, and I remember those times when he did things "just for the heck of it". I choose to remember the best memories I have with him, because it makes it easier to remember him that way. I was able to go to his funeral. My heart ached that day for his mother, and each of his siblings, who now had to face life without him in it. It still does ache for each of them. At this time in my life I feared death, and all the unknowns involved with it...and I was ready to be done with it. 2 deaths so close together made for a really tough summer...

More recently last year a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer in August at the age of 26. I had been acquainted with him for a long time, but really only got to know him a little less than a year before this...but we had some good times together in this short time. We enjoyed laughing together, and I think he often enjoyed just sitting back and laughing at me (apparently I can get a little entertaining when I'm tired). I went to visit him in the hospital not long after his diagnosis, when at the time he had been told he'd have up to 2 years to live. He didn't talk much about the cancer, or why he was there, but he did say that he knew that if he found out the doctors were wrong and he only had 2 weeks rather than 2 years, and called people to tell them that that he'd be surrounded by people who cared for him faster than he could ever imagine. He had such faith in his friends, and although he never told me specifically I know he also had immense faith in the gospel. There was a lesson he taught in FHE one night where he told the whole story of the Book of Mormon with one sheet of paper, and although it wasn't the first time I'd seen it done, it had a powerful impact on me that night. He took some time that night showing each of us how to do the same lesson, and I still have it in my scriptures...and I think of him each time I see it. As it turned out, he only lived for a little over 2 months after his diagnosis, and unfortunately I was out of town for the weekend when I got the text that his health was deteriorating rapidly. I rushed home, hoping to make it in time to say goodbye, but didn't quite make it. As much as I wish I had had the opportunity to say goodbye I am glad in some ways that I didn't. My last memory of him is a happy one. I had gone over to his house with a friend just before heading out to a movie, and although he was weak and tired that night he was laughing a few times. I also got to see a side of him I hadn't really seen when his nephew came home with his parents...the love showing in his face towards that little toddler was beautiful to see. Although it was tough to see him go, and watching his family's pain at his loss was difficult I felt joy for him that he was no longer in pain.

Then on to today. Today I said goodbye to another beautiful soul. Our families knew each other back in Ontario before I was born, and with some stroke of luck, ended up moving to the same area by the time I was 10 years old. I had heard about them many times through the years, and thought it was so cool to get to know them after hearing about them for so long. Throughout the last 14 years I have gotten to know a few of their children quite well in different capacities...one of them being this sweet, inspiring woman. She had been fighting a disease since she was 3 years old, and had beaten all the odds against her with a positive attitude and an infectious smile. Her neverending optimism and unconditional love for those around her never ceased to amaze me through all of the trials she faced. My life was forever changed by knowing her, and I am so blessed to have had her and her family in my life for these last few years. I know that she is free now, from all her pain and suffering, and she is so deserving of every minute of the perfect body that the Eternities will give her. I will never forget the influence she has had on my life. It was so hard today to watch her family, many of whom I am close to, saying goodbye to this amazing woman...the love that each of them has for her is astounding, and I know it will be a difficult transition for them after years of helping her and taking care of her.

It will never get easy to watch a mother and a father have to bury their child...no matter what the situation surrounding it is. Thank goodness for the knowledge that this void that is left here on earth is only temporary, and that in no time at all we will all get to see those who have gone before us welcoming us into heaven. My heart goes out to those families suffering, and dealing with the pain and sadness of their losses, but how wonderful it is that the trials that come with life on earth are over for these souls that we love...and now they can prepare to welcome us home one day.

So, rather than saying goodbye I'd like to say So long, I'll see you in a while...
<3 Z