Ok...so it's been a while again. I'm finding that I have less and less time these days. I've been working lots, and my new HusB has been working lots, and when we finally find time when we're both home I don't want to spend it writing ;) But I've been wanting to write about a few things, and I feel like this is a good time to write about one of them.
One of the things HusB and I talked about before we got married was how badly we both wanted to start our family. For me it's been an aching in my heart for many years that I hadn't had the opportunity to have children yet. It has always been my number 1 dream, and I looked forward with anticipation to the time when it would be my turn. Lucky for me this didn't scare HusB off, because he also has a strong desire to have children. We were very excited to get started working on starting our family right after the wedding.
I knew that many couples struggle in their desire to have children, and I thought I was prepared for that. HusB and I sat down in the first few weeks of our marriage and talked about "What if it happens right away" and "What if it doesn't". No matter how prepared I thought we were for the possibility that it may take a while nothing could have prepared me for the disappointment I felt when it didn't happen the first or second months. It was much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. But we were excited, and just kept trying!
Finally in February I got some pretty sure signs that I was pregnant. We were so excited, and told my younger brother right away (he is on a mission in the Philippines, and only has an opportunity to check his email once a week, so we didn't want to wait a whole week after every one else knew before he'd get to know). We were waiting for a positive pregnancy test before telling the rest of our family though. We got our announcement ready, so as soon as we got that confirmation of what I already knew we could pass the exciting news along. 3 days later I started to feel a little different, but I shrugged it off...until that evening when it became apparent that I had lost it. It was a very confusing time. I started to second guess the symptoms I had experienced (even though there were some that were undeniable). I cried, but felt like I shouldn't be hurting that bad...after all we hadn't even gotten confirmation! We struggled with who to tell, who to go to for support...it was awkward because no one knew...so we kept it to ourselves, and supported each other. HusB is such a wonderful man, and was there to help me with anything I needed. I went to the Dr...was told it was all in my head...and that was it.
Just over a week later my little sister and her husband announced that they were pregnant, and due soon after we would have been. I was genuinely thrilled for them, but the aching hurt I felt overtook everything, and I broke down. We finally shared with a few family members, and just did all we could to move forward.
The next month brought another Dr visit, some tests, confirmation that the things I was concerned about were all normal, and more trying. Nothing happened that month. It was that same disappointment all over again.
Fast forward to the end of April. I was once again feeling symptoms. I was almost nervous to test for fear that it was all "in my head" again. It got to the point though that I was once again totally sure. I took a test and it was positive!!!!! I was so excited, but was still wanting to make doubly sure. After what happened in Feb I wanted it to be undeniable before I told HusB. The following morning I took another test, and it was positive as well! I was so excited that I woke HusB up at 5:11 am to share with him. It was my sister's wedding day, so we made up a new announcement, and got ready to leave. We were going to share the news with my family in person, and then call HusB's family later on to share with them. Everyone was so excited, but nobody was more excited than HusB and I. After 5 months of trying and disappointments it was our turn! We were going to announce it to the world on Father's Day. A few people learned about it at the wedding...and then a few more people heard at church the next day, and we realized it was going to be very hard to keep it a secret! We decided to share our news early, and just let everyone know. After church our phones were busy calling, and texting everyone that we wanted to tell personally before putting it on facebook. About 80% of the way through that I started spotting a little. It wasn't very concerning at the time, because I knew it was typical to experience that. The bleeding continued through the night, and by the next morning I was worried. I went to the Dr, and he got a negative test...so he sent me for blood work. That evening HusB and I celebrated. We celebrated that we got 2 positive tests. We then checked the blood work results and found out that I had once again lost it. What I experienced was called a Chemical Pregnancy, or a Blighted Ovum. It was really difficult news to hear. We started researching, and we realized that everything seemed like that's the same thing that happened in February as well. The next morning we called our families, and announced the loss on facebook. We received so much support it was overwhelming. I am so grateful that we shared about it early on this time.
All of this happened a little less than 2 weeks ago...and today is Mother's Day. It has been a difficult week leading up to it. Mother's Day has been a day that's been tough for me for the last few years as each year it was a reminder of what I didn't have. This year it was a reminder of what I had twice briefly in the last few months. I have been reading a book on coping with miscarriage. It says that it is typical for a mother to feel the loss of a miscarriage daily for 4 months. Even though they both happened quite early on I can fully believe that. Sometimes the feeling of loss becomes overwhelming. Sometimes I can talk about it and be ok. I have been trying to come to terms with the title of "Want to be Mom" as Mother's Day came closer and closer. It's not easy.
HusB and I have been trying to be as positive about all of this as we can be. We recognize that so many couples struggle with being able to get pregnant in the first place. We are counting ourselves lucky that we have succeeded at that part of it twice in three months...and we figure that if we keep it up eventually one has to stick. We are grateful to be blessed with the knowledge that that is not our struggle. We are also grateful for the huge support system we have in our family and friends. We know we have many people rooting for us, and then when we are blessed with a little Sticky Bun there will be a whole community of people celebrating with us.
All of that gratitude and positivity helped so much today. It didn't keep me from bawling through half of church with my face buried in HusB's chest. It's also not completely stopping the tears as I write this, But it did help me to be able to look forward to the day when it will be my turn to celebrate this day properly. I am lucky that I got to spend this weekend celebrating my incredible mother, and my beautiful sister who is looking forward to meeting her little Pea this fall. I'm lucky to have such an amazing and supportive HusB who is on this journey with me. I'm lucky to know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves and knows HusB and I, and who knows how deep our desire for a family is. We know that when the time is right we will have a Sticky Bun, and we can't wait for that day.
So...why did I write all of this? Well, for one I find writing healing. I also hope that others who are struggling with similar situations can find some comfort in the knowledge that they aren't alone. Not that long ago nobody shared things like this. In fact it is still "recommended" by Doctors not to share about pregnancies until after 12 weeks have passed, because miscarriages happen so frequently, and it can be awkward to have to share of a loss. I have done it both ways in the last few months, and I can definitely say that this past loss has been SOOO much easier to cope with. The words of comfort, the treats, the hugs, the private messages...they have all taken a part in our healing. If you - yes you, who is reading this - needs a friend, or a listening ear please talk to me. I cannot repay all of those pieces of comfort I have received in the last 2 weeks. I don't think anyone who has given these things have expected repayment of any sort. But I want to be able to pay it forward. Let's talk. We can heal together.
In the meantime...we'll keep trying, and hopefully have some good news soon!
Z
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