Let me preface this post by saying that I have struggled with whether or not to write on this subject here many times. Sometimes it's a scary thing making yourself vulnerable and then posting it on the internet for all to read. Having said that though ultimately my decision is to write it, because maybe there's someone else out there feeling the same way that I am who can gain some comfort through my words...even if it's just to know that you are not alone. I would also like to say how difficult it is writing this knowing that there are some people who know me who will be reading it. If I was simply writing it for people I didn't know it would be much easier. Please understand as you read this that this topic is a difficult one for me. I am writing because I feel sometimes that it is the best way to sort out my thoughts, and because it helps me to gain strength in my belief in myself and my trust in my Heavenly Father. I would ask that if you have positive comments or words of wisdom for me please share...but also please be sensitive to the fact that this is not easy, and if you have negative comments I would prefer that you keep them to yourself.
Alright, now that all of that is out of the way I'll begin.
When I was in Senior Kindergarten (4 or 5 years old) my teacher once asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My reply was "a Mom". She said "that's very nice dear, but I mean what job would you like to have"? I couldn't answer. When I got home I vividly remember looking at my own mother and asking "Isn't being a mother enough?" I had no greater desire than that of motherhood.
Fast forward a few years to when I was a teenager. Everyone around me seemed to be asking what I wanted out of life. I now had other answers. There were many other things that I wanted to do with my life. My desire to become a mother was still one of my top goals in my thoughts, but the few times that I let it out I was often mocked...so I learned not to talk about it. In my head though I always thought that I'd get married young, and start my family early. Never in a million years would it have occured to me that I would be where I am now...24, and single.
It hasn't been easy watching everyone around me moving forward with their lives...getting married and having children...in fact at times I have felt immense pain at the fact that I have not yet had this opportunity. I have endured questions about my life and where it's headed for a long time, and I sometimes feel like I'm stuck. I am at a point in my life where I can no longer rely only on myself to continue along the path that I wish to be on. Having said that I have come to the realization that it is up to me to do all I can do, and then be patient and trust in the Lord's plan (and timing).
Today someone that I don't know very well asked me if I'd like to be a mother one day. I answered in the affirmative of course...but to my surprize the question wasn't accompanied by the ache that I have become accustomed to. It took me a few minutes to realize that this is because I have come to the point where I have enough faith in promises that the Lord has made to me that I am ok with working on his timeline. I don't know how I got there, or why it was today that I finally was able to feel that peace, but I was overcome with gratitude for that little piece of understanding.
Today in church we sang a hymn that has always had special meaning to me. Some of the lyrics go like this...
"Our Saviour's Love shines like the sun with perfect light,
as from above it breaks through clouds of strife...
...Loud may the sound of hope ring 'till all doubt departs
and we are bound to Him by loving ties..."
(parts of verses 1 and 2 of "Our Saviour's Love" text by Edward L. Hart)
I know with all of my heart that the Lord does love me. That I am His child, and he cares. He knows me, and along with that knowledge He understands my strengths and my weaknesses...and is always there to provide comfort as soon as I am willing to accept it.
I hope that if you ever feel inadequate, or lost as to where you are in life you can remember that the Lord is there to help you too :)
Thanks for listening!
Z
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