Dear 25 year old me...

 Dear 25 year old me,

  I know that you're sitting there on the day before Mother's Day feeling lost and alone, wondering when it will be your turn to celebrate this day that feels so very important.  I remember those days, sitting there, wondering if you will ever meet someone who loves you and wants to be your partner.  You have been hurt over and over in your journey to find someone, and I know it feels like it will never happen...

  But 2 years from now you will be head over heels in love with your husband!  He is imperfect, but loves you so perfectly.  He will take you by surprise at the perfect time and will quickly become your whole world.  All of the hurt that you have been through will make sense as you come to understand each of your separate journeys to find each other.  You each had to find strength in who you were individually before you could come together in the way that you did.  I don't want to give too much away, but just know that he is worth the wait. 

  I know that you're looking for some magical story about the family that you 2 have built together, but unfortunately that part of your story doesn't go like you've hoped.  Our babies have not had the opportunity to join us in this life.  We have gone through so much and have sacrificed as much as we were able to, and we still don't understand it, and probably never truly will.

  But slowly through all of this you will come to understand that your worth is not defined by the number of children in matching outfits that you have singing to you on Mother's Day.  Your worth is defined by the love in your heart.  You will wonder every day what life could have been like if your babies got to come home with you, but little by little you will come to understand that a part of them did, and you will spend your life honoring that part of them.  You will grow to understand that you have a greater capacity to love than you can understand, and you will share that love with others who are walking a journey through life with a family that looks different than they dreamed of.  

  You are a warrior.  There will be many days where it feels like you are heading towards defeat, but that is wrong.  You will continue to grow and learn.  Your journey is hard, but it will push you to understand yourself so much more, and to become comfortable with not being comfortable.  I don't know how this journey ends for us, but we will keep fighting every day to make sure that we are leaving a legacy for those walking this journey after us.  

  Love,

35 year old me.

Gotta be Somebody...

Yesterday as HusB and I were driving to work Nickelback's Gotta Be Somebody came on the radio.  In case you've never heard it before here are some of the lyrics:

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holdin' my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me like that.
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

This is a song that I used to belt out - didn't matter where it was - if I heard it I was singing it!  Sometimes it would be accompanied by a few tears and questions about whether or not there really was someone out there for me...but I hoped there was!

August has become a really special month for me since then, because it marks some pretty important anniversaries for HusB and I...3 years ago this month we met...and talked about getting married...and booked our wedding...and made plans for where we would live, and figured out how to make that happen...all in the space of 19 days!  We didn't have our first date or get engaged officially until September - I mean we aren't crazy or anything  (hahahahahaha)!

In the last 3 years a lot has happened that neither of us ever anticipated.  We have lived in 3 houses in 2 cities.  We have lost jobs, struggled to make ends meet, put up with crazy schedules at crappy jobs.  We have struggled to be independent.  We have had to rely on others (and we have been so grateful for the extra support and love we have felt at those times!)

And of course we have dealt with the unexpected journey of infertility.  It amazes me over and over just how completely infertility takes over one's life!  We have now seen a total of 10 different doctors (in 4 cities) since starting our journey down this path, and we still have minimal answers at best.  Last week we had yet another doctor tell us that my bloodwork is fine and no follow up is needed (a doctor that I waited 6 months and drove a total of 8 hours to see).  I have never felt such pain and frustration with anything as I do whenever I see how much infertility has changed our lives.  But I am so grateful to have my HusB as my partner through all of this.  He is so supportive and caring towards me.  Sometimes I don't even know how to handle me in the midst of all of this, but he does it perfectly.   He doesn't question me when pregnancy announcements from others hit me hard...he is always just waiting there with a hug.  And when I do handle them ok in the moment he always checks in with me later that day and lets me cry it out then when I need to.  He is constantly aware of me and my needs, and I am perpetually grateful to him for that.

So yes...there was (and is) somebody for me.  I can't say that the moment that we met played out like a movie scene - unless it was a scene from a really awkward teen comedy haha - but  my HusB is the partner that I always dreamed that I would find...and I am so grateful that we get to spend forever together!

(And I totally loved being able to finally listen to that song and know that I found him!!!)

Until next time...
Z <3

There are over 200,000 words in the English language.
More words get added every year.
Still, none are capable of describing the pain that I feel.
The happiest times in the lives of others bring me to the edge of the biggest, blackest hole.
I sit and I wait.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and laugh and ask questions.  I want to be able to respond in a normal way.  I want to be able to share in that happiness.
But instead I can't move.  I can't breathe.  Somehow the wound that I thought was beginning to scab all of a sudden gets ripped open again.  The edges get torn a little bigger.
I want to just crawl into that hole.  But I can't.   I somehow need to move.  I need to breathe.
 Nothing will get better if I don't breathe.
So I do.
I breathe because I have to.
But once I breathe I remember how badly it hurts.
I can't stop it.
So I run.  And I write.
And I cry.

Am I a Mother?

It has been 2 years since I've written on here. I have 2 drafts that I started writing, but never finished and published. I think part of my problem is that I no longer know ME. And if I don't know me how can I share myself with you?
I feel like life has dealt me the biggest identity crisis of all time. I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a body that has become a stranger to me. A body that I used to be able to trust that has betrayed me. A body that for some reason can't do the one thing it was made to do - carry a child.
I mean, as a woman, I grew up learning that my biggest blessing in life would be the opportunity to raise my children. Raise your hand if you've ever heard a version of these...
"I never knew how much I could love until I became a Mother"
"Sometimes life is really hard, but then I look into my baby's eyes and it all makes sense again"
Or...one of my personal favourites...
"Sure PMS sucks!  But it is worth enduring because it means that one day you will be able to have a baby!"
So basically my body is holding me back from the biggest joy of my life. Fantastic!  Unfortunately I have learned that Walmart doesn't carry replacement bodies...so I get to figure out how to continue living in this one.

I have been trying to learn about my reality so that I can feel like me again. I read blogs about infertility. I talk honestly to others who I love and trust who are experiencing or have experienced the journey of infertility. So many women in the world live with this pain, and luckily the shame around it is beginning to slough off, so it is becoming ok to talk about. And it helps!

But for me there is a second component to my identity crisis.

I don't know for sure if I am a Mother or not.

There is no one "definition" for Motherhood. HusB and I have conceived twice. But I have only been pregnant for a total of about 3 1/2 weeks.  I have miscarried 2 times. But when I miscarried they were hardly more than a few bunches of cells. So although I grieved them, and the loss of the futures I had begun planning for them, and everything else that goes along with it...I really have never come to terms with what role I actually played in all of this.

Were those bundles of cells grown enough to be considered babies?  Not really.
Did I carry them for long enough for them to have their own blood or heartbeat?  One got close, but likely not.
Do I feel like on the days that I lost them my world shattered and pieces of it will never be found again in this lifetime?  100% absolutely!
Did I hold so much love in my heart for those little bundles of cells?  Yes.
Do I cry when I see my niece who was born a day before my first due date because I think of all of the joy and milestones that I am missing out on?  Almost every time.
Do Holidays feel empty now...wishing that we were celebrating them with our littles that aren't yet here?  Yup.

So...Am I a Mother?

I am still trying to figure this one out. Some days I want to say yes. Some days it feels like I am not.  Most days I feel like I am just a failed incubator. But it all really comes down to a personal definition that I haven't really developed yet.  Which makes days like today - Mother's Day - extra specially difficult. Because how can you decide how to celebrate Mother's Day if you can't figure out if you're a Mother or not?

Luckily it only comes around once a year.  So today I am wishing every Mother out there that may be reading this an extremely Happy Mother's Day. I hope that you are able to experience every part of the joy of Motherhood today!  Even though some days are hard it really is a blessing.

As for me I will sit here trying hard not to dwell on this for too much longer today...because whether I am a Mother or not I am still a Wife, and my HusB deserves for me to be as whole as I can be...even today.

<3 Z

Ramblings of a "Want to be Mom" on Mother's Day

Ok...so it's been a while again.  I'm finding that I have less and less time these days.  I've been working lots, and my new HusB has been working lots, and when we finally find time when we're both home I don't want to spend it writing ;)  But I've been wanting to write about a few things, and I feel like this is a good time to write about one of them.

One of the things HusB and I talked about before we got married was how badly we both wanted to start our family.  For me it's been an aching in my heart for many years that I hadn't had the opportunity to have children yet.  It has always been my number 1 dream, and I looked forward with anticipation to the time when it would be my turn.  Lucky for me this didn't scare HusB off, because he also has a strong desire to have children.  We were very excited to get started working on starting our family right after the wedding.

I knew that many couples struggle in their desire to have children, and I thought I was prepared for that.  HusB and I sat down in the first few weeks of our marriage and talked about "What if it happens right away" and "What if it doesn't".  No matter how prepared I thought we were for the possibility that it may take a while nothing could have prepared me for the disappointment I felt when it didn't happen the first or second months.  It was much more difficult than I had ever anticipated.  But we were excited, and just kept trying!

Finally in February I got some pretty sure signs that I was pregnant.  We were so excited, and told my younger brother right away (he is on a mission in the Philippines, and only has an opportunity to check his email once a week, so we didn't want to wait a whole week after every one else knew before he'd get to know).  We were waiting for a positive pregnancy test before telling the rest of our family though.  We got our announcement ready, so as soon as we got that confirmation of what I already knew we could pass the exciting news along.  3 days later I started to feel a little different, but I shrugged it off...until that evening when it became apparent that I had lost it.  It was a very confusing time.  I started to second guess the symptoms I had experienced (even though there were some that were undeniable).  I cried, but felt like I shouldn't be hurting that bad...after all we hadn't even gotten confirmation!  We struggled with who to tell, who to go to for support...it was awkward because no one knew...so we kept it to ourselves, and supported each other.  HusB is such a wonderful man, and was there to help me with anything I needed.  I went to the Dr...was told it was all in my head...and that was it.  

Just over a week later my little sister and her husband announced that they were pregnant, and due soon after we would have been.  I was genuinely thrilled for them, but the aching hurt I felt overtook everything, and I broke down.  We finally shared with a few family members, and just did all we could to move forward.

The next month brought another Dr visit, some tests, confirmation that the things I was concerned about were all normal, and more trying.  Nothing happened that month.   It was that same disappointment all over again.

Fast forward to the end of April.  I was once again feeling symptoms.  I was almost nervous to test for fear that it was all "in my head" again.  It got to the point though that I was once again totally sure.  I took a test and it was positive!!!!!  I was so excited, but was still wanting to make doubly sure.  After what happened in Feb I wanted it to be undeniable before I told HusB.  The following morning I took another test, and it was positive as well!  I was so excited that I woke HusB up at 5:11 am to share with him.  It was my sister's wedding day, so we made up a new announcement, and got ready to leave.  We were going to share the news with my family in person, and then call HusB's family later on to share with them.  Everyone was so excited, but nobody was more excited than HusB and I.  After 5 months of trying and disappointments it was our turn!  We were going to announce it to the world on Father's Day.  A few people learned about it at the wedding...and then a few more people heard at church the next day, and we realized it was going to be very hard to keep it a secret!  We decided to share our news early, and just let everyone know.  After church our phones were busy calling, and texting everyone that we wanted to tell personally before putting it on facebook.  About 80% of the way through that I started spotting a little.  It wasn't very concerning at the time, because I knew it was typical to experience that.  The bleeding continued through the night, and by the next morning I was worried.  I went to the Dr, and he got a negative test...so he sent me for blood work.  That evening HusB and I celebrated.  We celebrated that we got 2 positive tests.  We then checked the blood work results and found out that I had once again lost it.  What I experienced was called a Chemical Pregnancy, or a Blighted Ovum.  It was really difficult news to hear.  We started researching, and we realized that everything seemed like that's the same thing that happened in February as well.  The next morning we called our families, and announced the loss on facebook.  We received so much support it was overwhelming.  I am so grateful that we shared about it early on this time.

All of this happened a little less than 2 weeks ago...and today is Mother's Day.  It has been a difficult week leading up to it.  Mother's Day has been a day that's been tough for me for the last few years as each year it was a reminder of what I didn't have.  This year it was a reminder of what I had twice briefly in the last few months.  I have been reading a book on coping with miscarriage.  It says that it is typical for a mother to feel the loss of a miscarriage daily for 4 months.  Even though they both happened quite early on I can fully believe that.  Sometimes the feeling of loss becomes overwhelming.  Sometimes I can talk about it and be ok.  I have been trying to come to terms with the title of "Want to be Mom" as Mother's Day came closer and closer.  It's not easy.

HusB and I have been trying to be as positive about all of this as we can be.  We recognize that so many couples struggle with being able to get pregnant in the first place.  We are counting ourselves lucky that we have succeeded at that part of it twice in three months...and we figure that if we keep it up eventually one has to stick.  We are grateful to be blessed with the knowledge that that is not our struggle.  We are also grateful for the huge support system we have in our family and friends.  We know we have many people rooting for us, and then when we are blessed with a little Sticky Bun there will be a whole community of people celebrating with us.

All of that gratitude and positivity helped so much today.  It didn't keep me from bawling through half of church with my face buried in HusB's chest.  It's also not completely stopping the tears as I write this,   But it did help me to be able to look forward to the day when it will be my turn to celebrate this day properly.  I am lucky that I got to spend this weekend celebrating my incredible mother, and my beautiful sister who is looking forward to meeting her little Pea this fall.  I'm lucky to have such an amazing and supportive HusB who is on this journey with me.  I'm lucky to know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves and knows HusB and I, and who knows how deep our desire for a family is.  We know that when the time is right we will have a Sticky Bun, and we can't wait for that day.

So...why did I write all of this?  Well, for one I find writing healing.  I also hope that others who are struggling with similar situations can find some comfort in the knowledge that they aren't alone.  Not that long ago nobody shared things like this.  In fact it is still "recommended" by Doctors not to share about pregnancies until after 12 weeks have passed, because miscarriages happen so frequently, and it can be awkward to have to share of a loss.  I have done it both ways in the last few months, and I can definitely say that this past loss has been SOOO much easier to cope with.  The words of comfort, the treats, the hugs, the private messages...they have all taken a part in our healing.  If you - yes you, who is reading this - needs a friend, or a listening ear please talk to me.  I cannot repay all of those pieces of comfort I have received in the last 2 weeks.  I don't think anyone who has given these things have expected repayment of any sort.  But I want to be able to pay it forward.  Let's talk.  We can heal together.

In the meantime...we'll keep trying, and hopefully have some good news soon!

Z

The other side of the coin...

Bonjour!

So...some of you may be wondering where I have been, and why I haven't been writing lately. A lot has been happening in my life, the biggest of which would be my little sister's wedding...and my own wedding! It has been a busy, but amazing, few months for sure.

In fact this particular event of my wedding is what has pulled me back into the world of blogging for today though. I recently read a blog entry called "Why Married People Can't Have Friends" (find it at http://www.millennialmormons.com/married-people-cant-friends/ if you'd like to take a read). As you can imagine this title interested me as a soon to be married woman. Reading through it I definitely knew exactly what the writer was feeling. I spent 10 years in the LDS young single adult program prior to finding my husband. I watched many of my friends get married, and I felt left behind every time. I generally wanted nothing more than to be in their position...looking forward to starting a family and moving on from being single. Because of these years that I spent feeling this way I had a conversation with my husband early on in our relationship telling him that I was uncomfortable being overly "couple-y" at any YSA function...this included no holding hands at church, no "arm-around" at activities, no kissing at dances etc. I didn't want to be the one to make all of my current YSA friends feel how I had so many times before. Lucky for me I married an incredible man, and although he didn't love the hands off idea he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable, so he agreed to it. For the first month that we were engaged we weren't even living in the same province, so it wasn't overly hard.

Imagine my surprise then when very soon after we got engaged I began to find out about get togethers and activities after they happened. Not only that but somebody also removed me from the activity email list so that I was having to seek out information about even the regular happenings. When I inquired about all of this I was told that everyone just figured I was too busy to worry about coming to things anymore. I was put back on the email list, but still only really heard about other get togethers after the fact. When I invited people over very few people would show up. When I went to activities only a few close friends actually made an effort to talk to me.

So I feel the need to share my perspective as a newly-married-formerly-long-time-YSA. Yes, marriage is the goal. Yes, it is exciting and wonderful. No, I don't have any regrets at all. But despite all of that the transition was not an easy one. "Being Engaged" is a fancy way of saying "Being in limbo". It is a busy time trying to plan, and prepare for upcoming changes, but you're not married yet. It is not easy to be in limbo and wonder where you fit. Sometimes an understanding friend is all you really need. The consistency of the schedule that you're used to can also be a helpful distraction.

We survived it. We made it through, and we love being married. This is simply an information article to help those that will eventually get married. When they get engaged keep loving them. Keep being their friends. Remember that they are getting married, not dying. You don't need to separate yourself from them to make it hurt less...the weird "learning to do everything together" period doesn't last forever, and it won't be long before they are looking for some time out with you again.

It is all a matter of perspective!

<3 Z

 

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The Kids in Our Lives Need Us To Be the Adults in Theirs!

Imagine this situation with me for a minute...

"I showed up to work today, and was informed that the 2 year old I would be watching has not napped for the last 2 days, because she doesn't want to. Now, if said 2 year old was still functioning as her normal self, and in ways appropriate to her age without an afternoon nap, all the power to her! However, when said 2 year old could hardly make it through the morning without sobbing and whining through every activity I realized that she still needed her naps. This realization only became stronger when during lunch she held an unchewed mouthful of broccoli in her mouth for over 15 minutes while almost falling asleep at the table, simply because she was too tried to remember to chew. At this time it became clear to me that she is incapable of the maturity required to make the decision of whether or not she needs an afternoon nap for herself. I chose to be the adult in her life at that time, and tell her that it was nap time...not giving her the choice to refuse. She is currently sleeping."

At 2 years old the human brain is not developed enough to make decisions like that for itself. A child that age needs the guidance and direction of older and wiser parents and caregivers to be confident enough to lead in an appropriate manner. This is not to say that one shouldn't use these opportunities as a chance for teaching and learning...there are many ways to lead and guide while still honoring and respecting the individuality and personalities of the little ones in our lives. It is important, however, to realize that they need us to do our jobs...to teach them, and help them along their journey of life in a safe manner. They need us to choose to be adults rather than friends. This is the case not just during toddler years, but throughout their lives...they will always need guidance and direction appropriate to their age group that will allow them to grow and develop into the people that they are capable of becoming.

So, be a confident adult! Teach and lead with gentleness and kindness. Foster an environment of learning for the children in your life. Don't be so overbearing and protective that they can't learn from mistakes, but don't be so relaxed that they can't learn that choices have consequences, and rules and structure exist to help us grow.

<3 Z

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We are all equal!

I have found many times in my life that the things I am least motivated to do/attend are generally the ones I am most glad in the end that I did. Have you ever felt that way?

Last night we had a Young Single Adult activity just like we do every Monday night...but this particular one was one that I was having trouble finding the motivation to go to. There was only 1 reason that I was going, and it wasn't a very good one. I had a "let's get this over with" attitude going into it (which I try to stay away from generally), and I just wasn't feeling like myself.

Now I can say that I am so truly glad that I went! I'm grateful for that 1 reason that gave me enough motivation to go. And I am grateful for the lesson that I was reminded of by being there.

The night began by all of us being told that we were going to play a game, and we were instructed to pick up a post it from the table, and that whatever was written on it that's who we would be for the remainder of the activity. I picked up "engineer", and others around me became lawyers, bankers, teachers, parents, etc. As I looked around more I saw a "drug dealer", "troubled youth", "recovering addict", "young child". and someone who was "homeless". After we were all assigned our characters we were instructed to mingle with the group, and tell everyone a little bit about ourselves. After a few minutes of that we formed a circle, and went around the circle with everyone explaining to the others about who we were, and how we contributed to society. Some had an easier time than others.

Once we had all given our 30 second blurbs on "us" we were told that now our job was to put ourselves in a line ranking from most important to least important. Everyone agreed that parents belonged at the beginning of the line, and then the doctor, nurse, firefighter, etc. but it quickly became more and more difficult to decide. The most important part of the evening was when someone suggested that the homeless man belonged at the "least important" end. To begin with the group was quite divided. Some strongly agreed and others strongly disagreed. With time and discussion the line of division blurred. But something really neat happened...as this discussion was going on our line turned into a circle. Someone ended the conversation by saying "Aren't we all equal in God's eyes? We are all His children and we all deserve love and respect! Just by saying someone's homeless, how does that diminish their worth? We know nothing about him besides the fact that he doesn't have a home. He could be a homeless teacher, or doctor, or lawyer, or daycare worker. We don't know his story. Just because life handed him tougher things to learn from doesn't make him any less important, skilled, or loved, than you and I". It was the same thing I was thinking, but hadn't been brave enough to say, and in that moment I developed an even greater respect and appreciation for that individual for being willing to stand up, and vocalize his opinion in such a way. As that finished the game, we all then sat down to watch a short video, which you can see here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE). It would be wonderful if you could take a minute to watch it!

We really never do know people's stories. We don't know why they are smiling, or crying, or why they're worried, or distant, or thinking about something else. Because we don't have the opportunity to know all these things it is our job to just love them, and do whatever we can to have a positive impact on their lives whether in a big way, or the smallest way. We are all children of God, and everyone deserves to be treated as such :)

Lots of Love

Z

 

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Line Upon Line...

 

I decided to try something different this morning, and as I was getting ready for the day I listened to this video. Please take a minute to watch it! ...actually 3...it's 3 minutes long haha.

Daily Bread: Experience

Sometimes in life, there is nowhere else to turn but to God. Elder D. Todd Christofferson shares a personal experience that taught him to truly pray, recognize answers to prayers, and take life one day at a time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJKmXtoMI5s

I loved starting off my day with this! I have had those experiences where all I could do was turn to the Lord in prayer, and what a difference it has made in my life! It was at those times when things were hardest that I was able to see most clearly how incredible it is to have a close relationship with my Father in Heaven.

It is so amazing to know that I'm not the only person who has felt that way! It is also incredible to know that my Heavenly Father knows me, and loves me enough that He is just waiting there for me to ask for His help and guidance.

I know it can take a great deal of faith to get to the point where it's ok not to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and just have it lit up enough to barely see one step at a time, but I know it's important to go through those times to truly be able to understand how incredible the love that God has for each of us is.

I hope that this video has made as big of a difference in your day as it did in mine!

Lots of Love,

Z

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Life.

"Anyone who is imagines that bliss is normal is going to spend a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed.

The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride!"

- President Gordon B Hinckley

I love my life! No, it's not perfect. But it is wonderful! I have had the incredible opportunity over the last few weeks to truly just enjoy every moment. It's not an easy thing to do, and there are times I've let old habits and thoughts get the better of me, but each day I am just working hard at doing a little better.

I am so grateful for the opportunities for growth and learning I have been given! I have spent more time at the Temple in the last two weeks than I have total in the previous few months, and it's been amazing. I have learned lots, and had so many special moments. I can't even begin to express how much I love the Temple, and how grateful I am to have had so many opportunities to attend recently.

I love my family and friends! I am so grateful to have so many incredibly wonderful influences for good in my life. I can't adequately express my gratitude to them for being who they are, and to my Heavenly Father for letting them come into my life :)

I love my Saviour! I know He is there, and I know that He knows me personally! I know he hears my prayers, and answers me in the best ways possible for me. I am so grateful for all He has done for me in my life. I love the feelings of comfort and peace that He allows me to feel as I need them and ask for them. I love that I know that He cares for me!

...never forget that He cares for you too!

Lots of Love

Z

 

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Journals

I've never been very good at keeping up with a journal. I've really tried over the years! And sometimes I am better than others. It always seems like I get a good pattern going, and then life gets busy with all these things I really want to write about, and then I get behind, and overwhelmed, and I stop writing completely for a while. It's really sad, because there are moments of my life that I remember...but I would love to be able to go back and truly remember how I truly felt as it was happening.

A couple of months ago a local bookstore was going out of business, and I managed to find some pretty amazing deals. One treasure that I found was a "One Line a Day" journal. I love it sooooo much! It's giving me that opportunity to write a little bit each day, and get in some incredible reflection on my life, without getting overwhelming at all! My favourite part is that it forces me to be brief, so I write about the most important things without getting long winded...which is where I have typically failed in journaling in the past. I love the way it's set up! It is a 5 year journal with one day per page...so as the years go by it will be really easy to see where I was at in my life a year before on that day. I am really looking forward to next year when I get to start that comparison! So far I have something written for every day since May 30...that's a total of 70 days! Definitely the most consistently I've ever written at any point in my life :)

I really know how important it is to keep a journal...not just to watch yourself learn and grow...but also so those coming after you will be able to see you on a personal, human, level. I write a lot about my feelings, and how certain situations effect me, because I think it's an important form of progress measurement.

I hope that I can continue to keep up with this one line a day journal for the next 5 years! It will be fun to look back! If you're like me, and have trouble keeping up with important things that happen in a regular journal try something like this out...it's so easy!

<3 Z

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The Rumour Mill

Hey did you hear?...

The gossip tree is alive and well as of late much to my dismay. As someone who has been very hurt by gossip in the past I do everything I can to avoid it...but every once in a while it seems like it is so much more prevalent around me. In the last month or so I have heard so many rumours being spread around about my friends, my acquaintances, and myself. It causes so much unnecessary drama, and contention...not to mention judgement...I just don't understand the appeal.

Maybe it has something to do with boredom. Or possibly just people practicing their story telling. Whatever it is it has caused a lot of hurt.

So what can be done? Not much. I wish I could tell you the magic cure, but I am still looking for it. Wherever possible don't participate. If people are gossiping around you call them out on it. But most importantly don't judge others. And just love! Love is the purest most amazing way to combat this! If you love others you don't want to see them hurting.

I love you all!

Z

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It's a Wonderful Life!

Today I just feel so blessed to have had a chance to live my life. Is that strange? Maybe so, but let me explain.

Yesterday I worked a shift that went from 1:30 pm - 1 am. After getting home at 1:30 I was so wound up from forcing myself to stay awake for so long that I couldn't sleep...so I caught up on reading some friend's blogs, watched a couple shows, and finally fell asleep sometime between 2:30 and 3. Now, maybe to some of you that doesn't seem that bad, but you have to understand that I'm getting older, and having already pulled off a 3:30 am bedtime once this week my body was complaining when I got up this morning. Part of that may have been a result of knowing that my day today would consist of meetings, etc at the church from 10 am - 8:45 pm. For the first time in a long time I truly struggled getting up, and I felt quite unmotivated for my day.

After making it through my first meeting and lesson I sat in the second lesson block listening to a wonderful lesson on service and helping to make other's lives better through the little things and I began to realize that I was no longer tired...in fact I felt really happy to be there, and my motivation started to return. This continued through the rest of the day, and I am so grateful for that! Besides a small emotional hiccup during a broadcast this afternoon I got through everything quite well I think!

The homestretch of the day for me was during a musical presentation concert tonight. As I got to sit in the pre-performance run through I felt an overwhelming gratitude for being where I am right now. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows me and understands my needs. I am so grateful for a Saviour who loves me unconditionally, and is always there for me through prayer when I need him. I am grateful to my earthly parents who taught me how to sing, and supported me in that as I grew. I am grateful to have music in my life, and be able to share it with others. And lastly, I am grateful for a Missionary who, as he was planning the night of music tonight, chose to take a chance and asked me to participate, never having heard me sing before. I have truly been missing singing in my life lately, and have been blessed with an opportunity to sing now the last 2 weeks, and next week again!

So that's why I am so happy that I got to live my life today. Because I got to feel that beautiful feeling of peace and gratitude that often eludes me in my busy schedule. And it was even sweeter because of the rough start I had this morning! Life is truly amazing, and I am so thankful for those moments when I am reminded of that.

On my way home tonight I was listening to a CD that I haven't heard in a while, and a song that I have truly loved from the first time I heard it came on. The lyrics go like this...

"I see an old woman rocking there

The sun shining softly on her silver hair

I wonder the secrets she holds deep inside

Is she smiling or hiding a tear in her eye?

She watches our day as her story unfolds

For you see, she is you grown old.

And with every decision you make today

You're creating the woman you'll be someday.

Just for now the old woman depends on you

She waits and she watches as you make her dreams come true..."

 

I love the perspective that this song gives me. It continues, but I figured that was enough to get the point across. Each day I truly hope that I am doing all I can be to be making her dreams come true...because I can tell you she has a lot! I am so thankful for the days that I have like today when I really feel like I am exactly where I need to be right in this moment. It helps me to feel like I am heading down the path I should be.

Always remember to trust the Lord and His plan for you. We are so lucky that He can see further down our path than we can :)

Love,

Z

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The Shift...

Have you ever had LDS Missionaries come knock at your door asking if you wanted to hear a message about Jesus Christ? If not, and you don't live under a rock, there is a good possibility that at some point in your life this will happen. When they do I think you should let them in, because they are typically pretty amazing people, and the message they have to share is fantastic! It's a message of Hope, Peace, and Love...and who doesn't need a little more of all of that in their life?

Anyways, I digress. Up until October 2012 the minimum age requirement for those applying to go on a mission for our church was 19 for young men, and 21 for young women. Those desiring to go would then fill out an application form ("papers"), and go through a bunch of interviews, and then finally be assigned an area in which to labour for a specific period of time (typically 18 months for young women, 24 for young men). In October of last year though there was an announcement made by Thomas S Monson (President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) that the minimum age of these young missionaries was being lowered to 18 for young men (with the provision that they had graduated high school or it's equivalent), and 19 for young women. This meant a couple of things... First of all, young men could now begin the application process up to 4 months before graduating high school to minimize the waiting period in between school and leaving (that's what my brother did, and he should be receiving his assignment, or "call" in the mail within a week...eek!). Secondly, it meant that many more young women would probably choose to go.

In our area in the Bigger City that second thing has been happening a lot! We have many girls who have left, and are preparing to leave soon on their missions. This has resulted in a temporary shift from having many more girls than guys in our group (as all the guys were leaving on missions and the girls were sticking around) to now having more guys than girls (as the girls are now leave, and guys are returning from having served their missions).

The result : Tonight I attended the Principles of Leadership class that is currently going on here. During the opening song I was leading the music for the 5 guys, and myself who were singing (there is a couple that teaches the class, so I wasn't the only woman in the room, but she was playing the piano). It was strange to hear all of these wonderful men's voices drowning out my own. It's something I am definitely not used to yet, but, if I'm being totally honest, something I think I will thoroughly enjoy getting used to haha.

It's a good thing I enjoy male company!

Make sure you say hi to our missionaries when you see them out and about...they may be my friends!

Z

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So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish...

I have been so busy figuring out my puzzle lately that I have been neglecting my writing. Oops! Really though the real reason I haven't been writing is because I've had so much to say, and no words with which to say it. It's made me a little bit messed up emotionally, and probably more than a little tough to be around...but such is life.
A year ago I moved into the Bigger City, and got a place with a new roommate. I knew her a little bit before moving out this way, and got to know her even better when I lived with her and her sister temporarily before finding my place out in my Sleepy Town. We made the decision to begin an adventure living together, found a place, and got the keys May 15, 2012. Today it's been just over a year of memories, fun, laughter, and tears that we have shared together, and we are now facing a separation for the next year and a half as she beings her own adventure as a dedicated servant of the Lord in Missouri. We had the opportunity to have this one last day off together to make memories before she leaves on Thursday. So we took advantage of it.
As we headed out for our afternoon "date" together I had so much that I wanted to say, and no idea how to put it into words...but as we walked and talked I remembered all of the reasons that I am so blessed to be able to call her my friend. We don't always see eye to eye, and we definitely have our differences. Life has sometimes thrown us each for a loop, and boys got in the way a few times. I think often those things that we admired in each other led to the biggest misunderstandings. Through it all though I know that she is one of my very best friends, and I couldn't have asked for a better, more loving roommate to have shared moments with me in the last year.
One of my favourite things that we talked about today were our top 5 memories from the last year together. I'm going to list them mostly so I can remember...but also for laughs :)
Her list:
Canada Day 2012...when we had over 30 people in our tiny basement suite, danced around in the London Drugs Parking lot, played Attack Monkey in the Middle, and went on the "safe rides" with the Vancouver Boys at the fair...
Clue...only because I was laughing at her because she was so terrible at playing
Our Pre-Institute dinner date in the back of my van...because the restaurant was closed for a private function. It was steamy...literally haha.
Our completely failed double date...those curve balls that life throws sometimes come really hard and fast and it's hard to figure out what to do with them except laugh!
And today...
My list:
Celebrating her first kiss
When Hermes the Fish died and she cheered
Attending the Temple together for the first time
When she got asked out on a date...and I had to convince her that that's what it was
Our original cuddlefest...none of the others have quite measured up yet
(and I cheated and added today as my 6th)
We also talked about defining moments in our lives this past year, and what life may be like when she comes back in approximately 79 weeks (not that I'm counting...but it already sounds like less in weeks rather than saying 20 whole months).
It was a wonderful way to end this adventure. The beauty of it though is that, as we both turn down our own paths at this fork in the road of life, we both know that we have forged an everlasting bond of friendship...and that brings a wonderful sense of peace...knowing that wherever life takes us from here on out we will always be a part of each other's journey in one way or another.
So for now this is it. I am excited to see what lies ahead!
Love you always My Dear...I am already looking forward to our welcome back date at our tree <3
Z

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The Piece That Doesn't Fit

Have you ever had one of those puzzle pieces that has fallen out of the box, and you can't figure out which puzzle it belongs to, so you just put it on the shelf until you forget about it? Lately I've figured out how that piece feels.

I haven't written much about what it's like being a Nanny. I love it so much! It's such a rewarding job, and so full of funny moments. Today on our way home after library class Miss Munchkin had a conversation with Baby Munchkin that cracked me up! It played out like this...

Miss M: "Baby M can you say glasses?"

Baby M tries

Miss M: "Baby M can you say button?"

Baby M tries

Miss M: "Baby M can you say car?"

Baby M tries

Miss M: "Baby M can you say Yaya? (the girl's name for me)"

Baby M: "Yup!"

It made me laugh out loud. It really is wonderful watching them learn and grow. I am so blessed to work for such amazing families who treat me with kindness and love.

No matter how amazing it is though it's also the reason I feel like that puzzle piece on the shelf. 9 hours of the day I get to sing songs, read books, snuggle, dance, imagine, wrestle, kiss boo boos better, swing at the playground, make baby food, go for walks, and have play dates. I get to talk to moms, enjoy 'adult time', and learn from them. I get to enjoy every minute of having little ones around who look up to me, and love me.

When supper time rolls around though I give them back. I get to head back home and be an adult. So my puzzle piece doesn't quite fit in the 'caregiver' puzzle.

When I go home I am all of a sudden back to being a young single adult. I can do what I want when I want. Nobody will scream if I don't have dinner ready by a certain time. Nobody is there to ask me to help fix a broken toy. I get to be free. But I feel like I don't quite fit there either. I don't have endless energy to stay out until all hours, or even the desire to. My "today at work" stories are all about kids, and don't really get a big response from the other YSAs. I don't often go out on dates, and when people come over I tend to do the cooking and cleaning around them while they play games, and talk. More often than not lately I feel separate from the group...like I'm just there out of convenience more than anything else. I feel like my piece doesn't quite go into that puzzle either.

I have been starting to feel a little bit forgotten lately...like it's not worth other's time to try to help me figure out which puzzle I might actually fit in to. I realize this isn't really anyone's fault but mine. As I try to solve the mystery though, and find my puzzle box I am grateful to know that I will always fit in the box marked "Daughters of God". No matter how alone and forgotten I feel I know that my Heavenly Father is always there to listen to me, and help guide my path, and for that I am truly grateful...

Z

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A Child of God

This morning I checked my Facebook. Not too far down on my newsfeed was a photo of a man with many tattoos and piercings with the caption "describe him in one word". A friend of mine had commented on it, and, although I don't typically, for some reason I searched for her comment. It wasn't long before I found it. Unfortunately I can't find it now, so I will have to paraphrase what I remember.

"I am sure at least half of you are anti-bullying. Everyone's calling this man ugly, stupid, unemployable, etc. I have even seen some religious based comments. Are you all forgetting that he is a child of God, and that God loves him no matter what?"

I know that's not exactly why it was, but it's the basic gist of the comment she made. I just looked back at this post, and saw that there are now 449 000 comments. Most of them are judgemental, and negative. My friend's comment is one of maybe 1% that ask others to think about what they are doing, and not blindly judge.

This weekend as we celebrate Easter I hope that we can all remember that Christ suffered and died for each one of us. Remember that we are all children of God. He loves us all! I cannot even fathom how He does it, but I know it to be true. He cares about each of us individually, despite our shortcomings and weaknesses. Not only does He love, and care, but He is there...willing to help us every step of the way...we just need to accept Him into our lives.

If you get a chance I would encourage you to watch this video. It is by Brad Wilcox, and is entitled "His Grace is Sufficient". It is a wonderful talk about how we can use the Atonement most effectively in our lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLXr9it_pbY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I hope you have a mighty fine Easter :)

Z

 

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Do what you Love!

I have always tried to live my life by the principle often quoted by Confucius "Find a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life". There are a few jobs I've had that I haven't stuck with very long simply because I have not enjoyed them. If I wake up in the morning dreading going to work, it's not going to be something I'll keep doing.

When I chose photography as a career this was the quote I was thinking about. I'm not in it for the money. I am fully aware that I will most likely never be wealthy as a photographer. I am ok with that. The reason I chose it w because I love it, and it suits my needs. I wanted to have a career that I could do from my home while at the same time being fully active in my role as a mother. I wanted something I could be creative with, and truly enjoy, and never have to worry about who was going to greet my children when they got home from school, or who would make their meals, and kiss their 'owies' better. Photography will do all of that for me! It is amazing.

So as I watched this video by Alan Watts it resonated with me. I fully believe what he said. There is no point living a life that you don't enjoy in order to make money to continue living your life that you don't enjoy. When you can wake up in the morning and be excited for what the day ahead has in store for you...that's life! That is how to live a full and happy life. I challenge you to watch this video, and let it change your life, no matter how scary or intimidating that change may seem at this time...

 

A life loving

Z

 

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Battle Wounds

In my lifetime I have had many many invisible aches, pains, and wounds. It's always disappointing to me though when I can tell people what I am feeling, but have nothing to show for it. I remember after the accident I was in almost 2 years ago (http://lasagneslife.blogspot.ca/2011/05/perspective.html) I was actually ecstatic that I had a giant bruise I could show people from my seatbelt. The extent of my injuries went far beyond that, but having that to show almost made it feel more ok to be hurting.

This morning I woke up and found a large bruise on my elbow...and it made me smile. A long time ago I had a doctor who told me that it was probably not a good idea to try downhill skiing, because I have really bad knees. For years I listened to everyone's amazing skiing stories, and watched exhilarated looks as they told them. I always just thought I'd be ok sticking to the cross country skiing that I know and love, and never feel the desire to try downhill. Last year though, that changed. One of the families that I work for owns a cabin on a ski hill close to the Bigger City, and I had the opportunity to watch their girls up there a few times. Being up there, watching all of these people ski by looking like they were having the time of their lives, made me really want to try it one day. In the back of my mind I was hearing my doctor say no, but a lot has changed since then, I can do much more before my knees hurt, and it really feels like they are stronger than ever, so I began to justify my reasons to ignore that counsel. It looked like fun, and I was going to do it! Then I chickened out, and purposefully didn't make time for it.

This year I have been at the cabin 6 times, and each time felt my desire to try downhill growing. Last night I arranged with a couple of friends to head up the mountain for a 10 dollar Friday trip. Armed with the knowledge that I was new at this, and having no idea what they were getting into, they chose skiing over tubing as our activity for the evening. I was nervous, scared, and thrilled beyond belief, all at the same time!

I was feeling pretty good as we rode the gondola to the village to buy our tickets. That good feeling left the minute that we started the rental process haha. All of a sudden the enormity of what I was about to do began to hit me. As I got strapped into my boots, realized that my feet were entirely immobilized, and I could barely walk I started feeling sorry for my friends. But I walked out of there feeling confident enough to try it at least! As we walked out into the snow the boys gave me a crash course on the basics, I put on my skis, and I was off...for about 15 feet until I ended up on the ground. I had forgotten to do up my helmet, so it landed about 5 feet away from me. Fail!

At that point I realized how difficult it is to stand up without the use of your ankles! As the night continued I got better at it, but that first time took a lot of trial and error. I had lost what little confidence I had that this was a good idea with that first fall, and the next thing staring at me was a large metal tunnel. Convinced I was going to run into it and really hurt myself, and amid instructions of 'make your skis look like a pizza slice', 'don't forget to turn', 'stand like you are taking a poop', and my personal favourite 'just, whatever you do, don't think!' I went again...and crashed again. But I didn't hit the tunnel! The night pretty much continued on like that, so I won't bore you with the details. I did a lot of sliding on my behind. I hit my head pretty good twice (thank goodness for that helmet!). I learned that my feet could twist around the opposite way from my legs, and somehow not break! I even managed to throw one of my skis off my foot on one of my falls. Sometime in the night I hit my elbow bad enough to get the bruise that I found this morning. I did manage not to run into anything though! I finished off the hill after an hour and a half with a pretty impressive run around the last corner, and down to the bottom (one of the guys said I went about 70 feet...it felt like it was further, but I'll take his word for it) before I crashed. That one hurt though, because I was going the fastest I had all night. I successfully navigated the chair lift, and managed to make it from the lift to about 10 feet from the rental shop without falling once! I decided to take the skis off before pushing it and not being able to say that haha.

So, in summary, it was a very painful and humbling experience full of laughter, and memories I will never forget! I am so grateful for the patience that my friends had with me, even though spending an hour and a half on one run down the bunny hill probably wasn't how they pictured their fun evening of skiing. I learned that downhill skiing isn't really for me, although I'm not going to say that I'll never go again...just probably not for a very very long time. I also learned that I will have to marry someone who can teach our children downhill...I'll teach x-country happily!

A sore, and banged up, but happy

Z

 

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Party Days...

When I turned 25 everyone asked me what big plans I had for this year...what I planned to accomplish, and what I was planning to change about my life. I finally have an answer...this year is turning into my 'Party year'.

Now I need you to understand that I say this with some trepidation. I am still the one who is most often tired by 9, giddy by 10, and sleeping standing up long before 11. In the last few weeks though I have learned that if I push myself past that point I can stay up long past the wee hours of the morning. In the last week alone I have gone to bed mid-morning twice, early morning twice, and long past when I should have twice...I did need one night of a break in between haha. I have experienced the closest thing to a hangover I think I'll ever get without drinking, and 3 mornings where I walked out of my bedroom and couldn't really remember details of the night before until I looked around at the kitchen and living room. This morning though was the deciding moment as I took a late-morning walk to pick up my van from where it spent the night at my friend's house. As I was thinking about everything I have done this last week I was actually kind of amazed! The other part of me though is very much looking forward to some sleep filled days coming up...

When it comes down to it I am still grateful that most of the time I remember those lectures in Psychology on the importance of a good night's sleep. I'm pretty sure my memory would be a lot better if I listened to them! It is nice to know though that I'm not too old to let loose and have fun sometimes still :)

A very sleep deprived,

Z

 

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